


Can't fight this feeling

by madsmeetsmisha



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Charlie Ships It, Dean Has Feelings For Castiel, Dean in Denial, Destiel - Freeform, Dorks in Love, Eventual Smut, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, High School flashback, Jealous Castiel, Jealous Dean, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Police, Poor Cas, Poor Dean, Slow Build, Star Trek Cosplay, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2018-12-07 08:38:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 24,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11619948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madsmeetsmisha/pseuds/madsmeetsmisha
Summary: Dean moves back from New York to Lawrence and starts working as a police agent He doesn't  know that his new partner Castiel was in love with him back in high school. To be honest, Dean doesn't even remember him at all...





	1. Highway to Hell (ACDC)

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank broken_fannibal for beta reading the first ten chapters.  
> Please notice that my first language is not English! This was the first fanfiction I ever wrote!  
> Please tell me what you think. ^-^

Highway to Hell (ACDC)

 

In the end, Dean left New York the way he arrived three years ago. With his Impala. Only two travelling bags in the trunk of his car. Nothing else. He had already left more than half of the drive from New York to Kansas City behind him, but he still had at least six hours, it didn’t matter. Actually, he was quite thankful to have some time for himself. Dean turned the volume up. Highway to Hell by ACDC tempted him to sing along without giving it much thought because he was alone. Singing helped him stop all the thoughts and memories of the last few weeks, which he didn’t want to recall. To be honest he also feared the coming weeks. They would ask so many questions. Sammy, Ellen, Bobby. Only Jo would understand him. Whatever he did his little foster sister was always on his side. But Jo wasn’t at home and couldn’t protect him. For two years she was at the Dartmouth College in New Hampshire.

Despite the music, he wasn’t able to shut down his thoughts and the memories, which reminisced in his mind. Of course, it had been a mistake to get involved with Bela Talbot. He had known from the very beginning. After all, she´d been his partner at the New York police. Much worse was the fact that her father Mark Talbot, was his boss. When Dean finally realised what they expected him to do it was already too late. They wanted him to marry Bela. They probably would have expected him to move to the suburbs, adopt a dog and get two and a half children as well as exchanging his beloved Impala against a Van. He felt nauseous just thinking about it. A cliché boring life was not what he was looking for. He didn't even want to be in a real relationship. It had just turned out like that. It wasn’t like he didn’t like Bela. She was a wonderful woman. It wasn’t her fault, it was his. He had never fallen in love. Maybe he wasn’t able to. You're not good with people You can’t human relations, was what Ellen had said about him a few times. She was probably right. After he had broken up with Bela there weren’t many options left. To stay and keep on working with her would have been hard and her dad had a high position in the department. Assumably it would have ended with a transfer into office duty for him. Not really his thing. So he could only leave New York. Sammy had been excited about his plan to come back to Kansas City. As a highly esteemed lawyer, Sam had his connections and was able to get Fergus Crowley, the police commander of Kansas City, to hire Dean. He would start working on Monday. Dean was thankful for this chance and promised himself to stay away from all female colleagues. Even if they were hot as fuck. He’d never let a woman get between him and his work again.

It felt like twenty-four hours later when he was finally able to relax at the bar in the Roadhouse which belonged to Ellen and Bobby.

“I’m glad you’re back, boy. But don’t you think you can’t always run away when it gets serious?” Ellen asked. The counter was between him and his foster mother but while working, she still kept an eye on him. The bar was quite empty because it wasn’t even 5 pm. In a few hours, it would look different. Dean wished it would already be crowded, so Ellen wouldn’t have so much time for him. He sighed and contritely looked up to her.

“I know… That’s why I'm never going to let it get that far again. Only one-night stands. No second dates again. Clear priorities.”

Ellen stopped what she was doing for a short moment to shoot him a pitying look. “Dean, some day you have to open up to a woman. You can’t stay alone forever.”, she tried in a more gentle way.

“I’m not alone. I have you, Bobby, Sammy and Jo. I don’t need anyone else.” Ellen gave him “you know nothing”-look. In that moment Sam entered the Roadhouse. Dean was beyond happy to see his little brother. It was great to embrace Sammy again after his last visit half a year ago. And he was glad to avoid further conversations with Ellen. Dean had totally forgotten how tall his brother was. He still remembered the time when he was taller. Sammy had come over straight after work and was still wearing a classy black suit, a white shirt, a dark red tie and black shiny shoes. Even Sam’s long hair didn’t look like a mess for once. His little brother looked elegant but quite unfamiliar. Usually, he dressed like Dean: Jeans and plaid shirts.

“Dean it’s good to see you. Hopefully forever now.”, Sam greeted him.

“We´ll see if he breaks another heart and runs away again.”, Ellen countered.

Dean rolled his eyes in annoyance, but Sam couldn’t hide a smile.

“Ellen leave him alone. When it’s time he will find the right one!”, now Bobby joined the conversation.

“How's Ruby?”, Dean tried to change the subject.

Not like Sam and Ruby weren't together for years now. Dean was happy for them. He remembered how they couldn’t keep their hands to themselves at first. It wasn't like Dean didn’t enjoy sex. It was rather the opposite, but he couldn’t understand such an obsession.

“Ruby´s fine. She's looking forward to your visit tomorrow. Oh, and I wanted to tell you something in person. We are going to get married.”, Sam announced and paused to let Dean process the information. “And of course I want you to be my best man.”

Dean couldn’t help but smile. For him, it was more a surprise that they weren’t married yet. Approvingly he patted his brother’s back. “It will be an honour, little brother”, Dean answered truthfully.

Sam had a goofy smile on his face.

“Till the wedding, you should find a date or you will sit on the table for lonely hearts.”, Ellen teased him.

“Ellen, you are not really trying to tell him that the single table is bad when all the young women, who came alone sit there. It will be like an all you can eat buffet for Dean.” Bobby shook his head in surprise at Ellen’s remark. Sammy and Dean couldn’t stop laughing at the look at their foster mother’s face when she realized Bobby was right.


	2. Mr. Crowley (Ozzy Osbourne)

Basically, the police department in Kansas City wasn’t any different than the one in New York. Of course, the architecture wasn’t the same but the structure was. Deans meeting with Crowley was at eight am. If Ellen hadn´t woken him up, he would have slept overslept and missed his first day of work.

Now it was ten to eight and he was on his way to Mr Crowley’s office. After he studied the map on the first floor, he realised that he had to go to the second. So, he hurried to get there. He was pretty nervous, which was very unlike him. Dean had no clue what Crowley knew about him. Bela's Dad had been on bad terms with him since he left her. When he finally reached Crowley’s office he took a deep breath before knocking.

“Come in!”, a deep voice shouted from inside. Without hesitation, Dean entered the room. His boss sat at an unnaturally tidy desk and wrote something on his computer. It took him terribly long to find the next letter, Dean nearly couldn’t take this spectacle. Dean noticed himself getting more and more nervous each passing minute. Without even looking at him Crowley gestured for him to take a seat. “I’ll be right with you, Mr Winchester.”, his boss excused himself.

After what felt like eternity, he finally looked up at Dean.

“Dean Winchester, 32, single, no children. Valedictorian in his final. High solve rate. Sadly, an affair nearly ruined his career. Of all things leaving Mark Talbot´s daughter right before the wedding, maybe not the smartest decision.” Crowley shot him an amused smile. The next few minutes the older one just studied Dean. “But…You still seem like an excellent special agent. Since I don’t have a daughter, I don’t have to worry.” He chuckled at his own joke. Dean tried to return the smile, but he didn’t really feel like doing it.

“Furthermore, I have an ideal partner for you, he should arrive any…” Right at this moment, someone knocked at the door. “This has to be him. Always on time. Excellent. Come on in, Novak.”

Novak? Somehow that name sounded familiar. Crowley stood and rounded his desk. He kindly escorted Dean´s new partner into the room. Dean curiously looked Novak up and down. He was smaller than Dean, his hair was dark brown, not styled, bright blue eyes. He wore a suit and a beige trench coat over it. Seriously? Who was that guy? Columbo? Dean may as well expect the worst.

“Novak, this is Winchester - your new partner. I’m positive you two will do outstanding work.” Was Dean imagining things or was his boss trying not to laugh? He had the feeling Crowley was laughing at them.

Novak approached him and raised his hand for a formal handshake. “Welcome, I’m Cas.” His new partner greeted him aloof, but not unfriendly.

Dean shook Cas´ hand. “Dean”, he replied.

Actually, Dean usually wasn’t that reticent but under the intense stare from Novak, his mouth went dry. Good Lord that man had some blue eyes right there!

“Well, gentleman, that’s it. Novak show Winchester around and particularly his desk… Oh, Winchester, I nearly forgot. Here, your badge and gun. Good luck!” With that Crowley turned his full attention back to his computer and they were free to leave.

At first, Cas showed him where they were going to work. Dean´s desk was completely empty besides a computer. But his partner's nearly overflowed. It wasn’t because of the paperwork, which was part of their job. No, all papers and documents were neatly stacked in storage trays. But there was so much other stuff, little figures with big heads. Dean could make out Kirk and Spock, Captain America, Ironman, Sherlock and Watson. He couldn’t quite make out all the others, but there were so many, that there wasn’t any space left. Dean noticed that all of them came in pairs. He was confused. That didn’t really fit the picture he had had of his partner until now.

“Do you collect these?” he wanted to know.

“No.” was the short answer. At least Cas didn’t stare at Dean with theses blue eyes, rather he looked at his feet. It looked like he was embarrassed by it. Before Dean had the chance to think about it, they were interrupted.

“Don’t you want to introduce us, Castiel?” His partner turned around to the voice. So Cas was the nickname for Castiel. What an extraordinary name.

“Dean, this is Pamela Barnes our behavioural psychologist. Pam, this is Dean Winchester, my new partner.”

The gorgeous raven-haired woman eagerly shook Dean's hand. “Nice to meet you, Dean.”, she smiled.

Dean automatically shifted into flirt mode, but in the last moment, he remembered his resolution. No flirting at work. So, he just flashed her his second charming smile.

“Pamela, a wonderful name. Nice to meet you, too.” Pam beamed at him and it seemed as if she didn’t want to let go of his hand. Dean noticed that Cas studied the whole scene with furrowed brows. Has he heard about Dean's past and was worried about Pam?

A young a little chubby woman in her police uniform joined them. “Cas, your mobile phone was turned off again. Why do you even have that thing? You're supposed to go to this address. There's been a murder.” She gave the paper with the address to Cas. “Hey handsome, by the way, I’m Donna”, she winked at Dean. “Looks like someone was a good boy to have Crowley assign him such a cutie as partner.” With a laugh, she gave Dean a slap on his butt. Cas´ blue eyes dilated and Dean noticed that he blushed ever so slightly. No wonder with such boldness.

“Wow, that was nearly sexual harassment at work.” Dean joked as they were leaving. “Is she always like that?”

Cas muttered something under his breath that Dean couldn’t understand, so he followed him to the garage. Cas stopped near the ugliest car and sat in the driver’s seat. Actually, Dean had nothing against Oldtimers. His impala was a good example. But this old Toyota was not acceptable.

“Are you serious, man? This old lemon is our car? Here are a ton of better cars. Why this one?” Dean couldn’t believe it. This was getting better by every minute.

“It is just a car and it drives. What else do you want?” Cas merely shrugged and started the motor.

Dean was bewildered. “Just a car? A car isn’t just a set of wheels. Okay, this one is. But it shouldn’t be like this, man. Tomorrow we´ll take my Impala.”

Cas shortly looked at him but didn’t answer. Then he turned on the radio and started driving. Some song by Lady Gaga was on the radio.

“Fuck, Novak, this can’t be true. Turned that off! Now! I feel nauseous. “ Dean acted like he would throw up. Before Cas could do anything, Dean looked for another station. After a while, he found what he was looking for. “Mr Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne. That fits.” Satisfied he leaned back in his seat and tried to relax the rest of the drive. But that only worked five minutes. Cas´ driving style was terrible, Dean even had to hold onto something. Jesus! Novak was driving him crazy.

“Stop und get out.”, he commanded calmer than he felt. Cas seemed surprised. But he stopped at the next lay-by and they switched places.

“It’s no surprise you got this junk car. You are dangerous. I´ll drive for now, understand?”

Cas looked at him with his baffling look again, then smiled quietly. Dean nearly forgot to look at the street. His sudden fast heartbeat really confused him, so he quickly turned away and concentrated on the traffic instead.


	3. Hey little girl (Icehouse)

The ride through the morning traffic lasted longer than Dean had imagined. It was half past eleven when they reached Kaw Point Park. The crime scene had already been secured and it was bustling with activity. Dean immediately recognized that he was not at the actual crime scene. There were no signs of a battle nor any blood traces. But the girl was most likely killed by several stabs in the chest. He crouched down to look at the victim more closely, but without touching it or blurring the tracks. She wore a short red dress that looked like a Star Trek uniform. Her hair had all the colours of a rainbow. That did not match the science fiction series, as far as Dean knew. 

"Do not touch anything!" A young man in a white overall hurried toward them.

Dean raised his arms as if they were playing hands up. "No man, don't worry, this is not my first crime scene." Dean replied a little annoyed.

"Oh, it’s you, Cas and that's probably your new partner. Hey, I'm Kevin and try to keep the traces preserved." The young forensic looked at them.

"Hi Kevin, this is Dean my new partner", Cas introduced Dean.

"What do you have for us, Kevin?" Dean asked.

"The dead girl is the twenty-one-year-old Molly Hopper, we've found her student card. She was not killed here. Somebody put her in the park after she was dead. The stab wounds were probably the cause of death, but Charlie will you tell later. There are foot prints, but there are no indications of a fight, and so far, we have not found the weapon. I guess we are dealing with a man, the prints come from shoes with a pronounced profile, like walking shoes. They are extremely large.”, Kevin explained.

"Does anyone know why she´s dressed like it's Halloween? It's April right now.", Dean asked. He really could not figure it out.

"I guess you have not met Charlie yet, because in that case you would know what makes people dress up, even if it's not Halloween. The victim was certainly at the Comic Con, which took place this weekend at the Convention Centre. I'm sure it's a cosplay. I would have loved to go there too, but I had to work this weekend. I am sure Charlie was there. You should ask her afterwards. But you should visit the parents of Molly Hopper first. They live in Brooklyn Ave 26."

Dean hated to deliver death messages. Especially since that one day when the police had stood before their own doorstep. Dean was sixteen then. His mother had already died of leukaemia a year after Sam's birth. The brothers had only had their father. John Winchester had also been a cop. However, not a special agent, such as Dean but a policeman. He and his partner had been called to help in a domestic dispute. Actually, everything was already over. It looked as if the man was coming with them voluntarily. But then, at the last moment, he was panicked. Afterwards no one could say where the gun came from. But he shot their father. Dean immediately knew that something bad had happened when he saw the policemen outside the door. But he and his brother were lucky. Bobby and Ellen picked up the two of them. They were the best friends of their father and saw it as their duty to look after the two boys.

Castiel did not seem to have such difficulties with the situation. He gave the mother a tearful insight into the events. He managed to do so with a professional mixture of compassion and practicality and to ask the poor woman about everything else. Dean saw his new partner in a completely different light. Castiel's strengths were thus where his greatest weakness was. Perhaps they would make better partners than he had initially thought.

 

After the visit to the victim's mother, Dean and Cas got back into the car. Dean was so mentally busy with the case that he did not notice at first. Castiel had changed the music. No idea what that was, but it sounded suspicious like synth pop.

"What's the matter, man? We agreed earlier that we were listening to music and not… something…" Dean did not know how to name this music.

"WE have not decided at all, YOU did. But I do not see why we should listen to your music all the time. I go for the 80s and 90s. So, we will alternate. To expand your horizon, this is >Icehouse< with >Hey little girl<.”, Cas replied resolutely. 

Dean groaned desperately. “I have no objections listening to the 80s or 90s. I love Aerosmith or Bon Jovi…”, Dean tried again.

“But my taste of music is a little bit different”, Cas replied.

Dean closed his eyes for a brief moment. “Cas, please tell me that I don’t have to listen to Alphaville and stuff like that. That’s crap, man. Synthesizers aren´t even real instruments.” Dean angrily hit the steering wheel.

Castiel laughed. “Quid pro you, partner. By the way, that means…”

“Fuck, I know what that means, Cas.” Dean cried out. Dean ignored the amused glitter in Castiel’s eyes and even more, he ignored the strange feeling that grew inside him. “If you play the >Pet Shop Boys>, I’ll throw you out of the car. I mean it, Novak!”, Dean offended to overact his unwanted feelings. So, the topic was done. At least for now.


	4. Born to be wild (Steppenwolf)

Dean would never forget the sight that was presented to them when they came to forensics in the late afternoon.   
A slim woman, wearing light blue scrubs and a mouthpiece, danced to "Born to be wild" by Steppenwolf.   
In front of her, Molly Hooper's cut open body lay on a surgical table. The gloves that the forensic doctor was wearing were bloody and she held a scalpel in her right hand.  
While she was busy examining the internal organs of the corpse, she rocked eagerly and she sang along under her mouthpiece. Completely wrong but with even more passion.  
This was the first time Dean met Charlie and he immediately knew he liked her.

Of course, he liked ACDC's version of "Born-to-be-wild" better, but Steppenwolf was not bad either.   
The young woman had a very good taste.  
He stopped and smiled.

"This is your forensic doctor?" he asked Cas.  
Even Cas could not be serious about the funny performance.  
"Yeah, that's Charlie," he smirked.  
At that moment Charlie noticed that she was being watched.  
Dean assumed that the situation would be embarrassing to her, but she didn’t give a damn.  
"Hey guys, good thing you're here," she waved to the two as if nothing had happened.  
She looked from Castiel to Dean and pushed the mouthpiece down with her little finger.   
"So, you're Castiel's new partner, I'm glad to finally get to know you, I'd shake your hand, but ..."  
She pointed at her bloody hands with her head and shrugged apologetically.  
Finally? Dean frowned.  
"Why were you looking forward to getting to know me? I started about seven hours ago." Dean wanted to know.  
If he had not been so focused on her at this time, he might have noticed Cas' shocked gaze. With his eyes wide open, he stared at Charlie, shaking his head almost imperceptibly.  
Charlie smiled mysteriously.  
"Oh, your reputation precedes you, Dean." she said, winking at him.  
That again. The affair with Bela would probably haunt him forever.  
"Okay, to make it clear, yes, I fucked up in New York, it's unprofessional to get mixed up with your partner. And of course, it was not a good idea to get involved with the daughter of my boss. That was quite stupid, but…." He ran a hand through his hair. "But I've learned my lesson, believe me. No more affairs with women at work, so you don't have to worry."  
"Do I look worried?" She asked amused.  
"No, but ..." Dean said, visibly confused.  
She laughed. "It’s ok, Dean."  
"What do you have for us?" Cas interrupted.  
"Okay, guys, I’m not done yet, but death happened yesterday evening. About 10 pm. She was knocked out with a hard object first, then she was stabbed." she described objectively and pointed out the wounds.   
"Both the blow to the back of her head and the stab wounds in the chest would have been fatal. The knife hit the heart, the lungs and the stomach. I’m sure it was a little jackknife or something like that, the punctures aren´t very wide. She never had a chance. It’s a pity. She was so pretty and really cool. Look at her coloured hair and the self-made cosplay. I would have rather touched something else than her inner organs." Charlie sighed regretfully.

It took Dean some time until he realized what Charlie had implied.   
"Oh!", he sighed when he understood that she obviously liked girls. Or liked girls, too. He didn´t know for sure.  
Cas gave him a strange look.

"Kevin said you have also been at the Comicon." his partner said, but he kept his eyes glued on Dean.  
"Yes, I'll tell you all about it, boys, but I have to eat something first. I’m starving! Would you like to join me to visit the Burgerista? The final results won't be here until Wednesday anyway.”

When they arrived at the bistro, it was half past seven. Only now did Dean notice how hungry he was. He ordered a beer, a burger and fries. Thank goodness it didn´t take very long until the food was ready.  
Impatiently he took a bite of the burger. It tasted like heaven.

"Oh my God, Cas … you have to taste this!” he groaned.   
He had closed his eyes to enjoy the taste even more. That's why he did not notice either the amused look Charlie gave Cas nor the blush on his partners face.  
While eating, he was not able of having a single rational thought. He swallowed everything in no time and drank his beer. Charlie did not eat as fast as he did, but also with great appetite. Castiel's food, on the other hand, was almost untouched. When Dean looked up, he noticed that his partner had watched him eating.

"Sorry, man, I didn't even realize I was so hungry, what about you, aren’t you hungry?"   
Dean pointed to the full plate.  
Cas pushed the plate away.   
"Not really, do you want anything?" He offered Dean.  
Cas didn't need to ask twice. Dean happily devoured his burger and was really stodged afterwards.  
"Thank you!" He smiled at his partner. Dean pushed the empty plate away and leaned back, satisfied.  
"So now my brain should work again." he said.  
"Yes maybe yours, but ... Ahh!" Charlie replied, laughing.  
Dean wasn't able to figure them out. But he decided not to ask because he had a feeling his partner would feel rather unsettled by telling him.  
"So what about this Comicon?" Dean changed the subject.  
Charlie smiled while she pulled out her cell phone and looked for a picture, proudly showing it to them.   
"Here, that was my cosplay."  
"Hermione Granger! You dressed up as Hermione Granger? Wow, I'm surprised, I thought Harley Quinn or Black Widow would be your thing." Dean wondered.  
In the picture, she had hidden her red hair under a wig, around her neck hung a yellow-red striped tie. The rest looked like a British school uniform. She wore a coat with the Gryffindor crest and the striped scarf. Of course, she had a wand in one hand and books in the other. Dean had never seen the films but he still recognized the costume.

"Of course, Hermione is pretty, smart, and one of the best witches. Except her taste of men is a little bit dubious. No one really understands why she did not take Harry. But no matter. She's cool." Charlie defended her choice, almost a little offended.  
"Do you have more pictures of the Comicon on your phone?" Cas wanted to know.  
"Yes, but it would be a big coincidence if I took a picture of our victim. Do you know how many people go there?"  
Cas was already looking at the photos. As expected the victim was not seen on any of the pictures. But he had the idea of calling Kevin and asking him to investigate whether there were recordings from the video surveillance.  
Soon, they all went their separate ways. Dean's first day in Kansas City was exhausting. And after dinner, he had to confess he was tired.


	5. Damn your eyes (Etta James)

Four days had already passed and they hadn't made much progress yet. Kevin had spent two whole days looking through the surveillance footage. Molly Hopper had been at the convention on both days. But nothing seemed to be unusual. She had been there with her friend Crissy Chambers. But on Sunday at 9 pm their paths separated. Crissy had driven home. At the Comicon nothing unusual had happened to her. But they already knew all this because of the interviews. So they were still at the beginning.

All acquaintances and fellow students, all the friends, the family had already been questioned and checked. Nothing. There was nothing. No motive, no suspect. Molly Hopper had not been raped, apparently nothing had been stolen. It was hopeless. They found no evidence. Dean was sitting at his desk, covered with notes. It was Friday afternoon and he knew that he wouldn't get any further today. Frustrated, he switched off the computer. Jo would come tomorrow. He was already looking forward to seeing her. It had been far too long since he'd seen his little foster sister the last time. In the meantime, Dean had settled in quite well. The work pleased him, there was no women at work who could tempt him. He had set up the flat at Ellen and Bobby’s. His life ran straight. The only thing that made his life go not so straight sometimes was the look of his partner.

As far as possible, Dean tried to ignore his inner turmoil and most of the time he succeeded. It was probably just time to go to a bar and get laid by a woman. Yes, that was a good plan. It had just been too long. But that should change soon. He´d call Sam and drag him into a bar today.

"Hey Dean, we have a date today!" Charlie had creeped up from behind and grabbed him by the shoulders. Dean was confused. Had he overlooked something?

"Don't worry, you didn't forget anything but today is Harry Potter's Eve, and you're my reverent, admit you have not seen any of the movies."

"Well ... No, I have not seen any of the movies yet, but ..."

Dean was searching for an excuse, but he did not get far.

"No excuses, Dean. If you do not want to get it wrong with me, you come." She sternly looked into his eyes. He didn't have a chance to refuse, did he?

"Okay, when does the party start?" Dean sighed. He could forget the evening with his brother.

Charlie tapped him contentedly. "Good boy, we'll start at seven, please take Cas with you, and chips and beer wouldn't be bad either."

Before he could change his mind, she had already disappeared.

At six-thirty he went to look for his partner. Dean had not seen him all afternoon. He found Castiel at Kevin's office. They looked through the surveillance footage again.

"And did you find something?" Dean wanted to know.

"No, not until now, but we wanted to go through it again just to be sure, I think we've overlooked something, Cas helps me, four eyes hopefully see more than two."

Dean nodded in agreement. "We should be on our way to Charlie, if we wanna get chips and beer on the way."

"Oh, I'm not coming tonight. I have a date." Kevin smiled mysteriously.

Dean got a little jealous. The forensic was probably going to have a great night. He, on the other hand, had to watch Harry Potter, although he had imagined the evening differently. Cas followed Dean out to the car. They had not used the Toyota since the first day. Which was good in several aspects. Apart from the fact that Castiel's duty car was an impertinence, Dean could also decide on the music in his car.

"My car, my music," he said relentlessly to Castiel. Even now, he immediately turned to Bon Jovi. Cas groaned.

"You know, Bon Jovi is a compromise. If I were alone, I'd be playing ACDC now. See it as a kind of response to your strange music taste." Dean said.

Castiel rolled his eyes. "Somehow, I will avenge myself and force you to listen to the Pet Shop Boys." Cas threatened.

Dean laughed. "Not in this life, Cas." Dean responded and gave Cas a quick glance, the other man looked amused. On the way, as desired, they got the beer and the chips. When they arrived at Charlie's, nobody else was there.

"Where are the others?", Cas wanted to know.

"Sorry guys, you have to put up with me. Everyone else has cancelled, but therefore I didn't have to carry chairs into the living room. There is enough space on the couch for us." she said happily. Whistling, she put the chips in two bowls and handed each of them a bottle of beer. Then she sat on the couch and took up so much space that Castiel and Dean had to sit side by side on the other end. As soon as Charlie dimmed the light and started the film, a real firework started to explode in Dean's chest.

How would he endure this for two hours without dying of a heart attack? His heart pounded like crazy. He tried to relax, squeeze himself to the edge, but nothing helped. He didn't understand what was wrong with him. Fuck! That was Novak, his partner. A guy! He decided to go to a bar after the movie night and shag some woman. No matter what, he seemed to need it badly. Somehow, after a while, at least temporarily, he managed to concentrate on the film. He drank his beer and reached into the bowl with the chips from time to time. When Harry just got his new broom, Charlie's cell phone rang.

"Just keep watching, guys, I'll be right back." she apologized and disappeared from the room.

As soon as he was alone with Cas, Dean's heart started beating faster again. To calm himself, he took a large sip of his beer and reached into the chips bowl. Apparently Cas had just had the same idea and their fingers touched. Dean heard Cas gasping. Frightened, he looked at his partner. Even in the almost dark room those eyes magically attracted him. Unable to turn away, they stared at each other. Dean's eyes wandered to Castiel's lips. They were slightly open. Dean swallowed. Breathing suddenly became incredibly hard. What happened here? For a moment, Dean forgot everything around him. He only saw Cas's lips coming closer and closer for some reason. In that moment, the door to the living room was opened and Charlie sat down on the couch. The two men separated quickly.

"I'm back, just my mum. What did I miss?" She pushed a handful of chips into her mouth and looked at them expectantly.

"You know the movies by heart, Charlie." Dean did not dare to look at his partner. What happened? Fuck, he had really been staring at Castiel's lips. Dean desperately closed his eyes. But he didn't want to imagine how the whole thing would have ended if Charlie hadn´t come back. He had to get out of here immediately. On the pretext of getting another bottle of beer he left the living room and went to the kitchen. He was not sure if he was going to be able to go back and sit so close to Cas for another hour. So he made his decision. He had to leave.

"I'm sorry guys. I have to go. My brother called me and... I have to go." Dean lied.

“Oh god, Dean. I hope nothing bad happened to your brother.” Charlie worried.

“Don't worry. It will be okay. Thank's for the invitation. See you.”

Before Charlie or Cas could answer, he had already disappeared through the front door.

His way led him straight to the next bar. He was about to put his plan into action and visit some bar. He wondered if he should call Sam, but decided against it. His brother would immediately notice that something was wrong with him and how should he explain. No, it was better if he did something about it alone. He drove to the "Green light bar". He knew the bar from earlier days and it was just a short walk from the roadhouse. The bar hadn´t changed significantly. Only the staff had apparently changed. All the better. After the second whiskey he discovered a young woman at the bar. She was pretty. Blonde with long legs. He didn't need more today. He emptied the third glass and went over to her. Normally Dean loved the smalltalk before a one-night stand. Today the banter bored him.   
After he had treated her to two tequila, he went over to the attack. He grabbed her by her waist and pulled her closer. She had lovely blue eyes. Fuck! Blue eyes.

Determined, Dean pressed his lips against hers. She willingly leaned closer and returned the kiss. If there was a chance that she would distract him from today's events, Dean knew now that he would be disappointed.   
As soon as he had closed his eyes, pictures, which he actually tried to banish so desperately, appeared in his head. It almost seemed like mockery, as "Damn your eyes" by Etta James began to play. As if she realized that he was no longer completely involved, the young woman deepened the kiss.   
But Dean gently pushed her away. He knew it was over. Today, he would not shag anybody.


	6. Sympathy for the devil (The Rolling Stones)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long for the update. I hope you enjoy ^.^

For breakfast Dean had an aspirin and a cup of coffee after he had emptied the whiskey bottle he had brought back from New York last night. It hadn't even been half full, but that was enough to forget for a while.

At least he had managed to fall asleep without thinking of Cas. Although you couldn't speak of falling asleep. It was more like falling into a coma.

Dean ran his hands across his face and rubbed his eyes. Shaving wouldn't hurt, he thought. With a deep sigh, he rose from the chair and dragged himself into the bathroom. The only bright spot on this day was Jo’s visit. Maybe she was already there.

Half an hour later Dean entered the roadhouse freshly showered. Jo sat at the counter and talked to her mother, a coffee in front of her. When she saw him, she jumped up and ran to him.

She was laughing happily when she hugged him. "Dean, it's so nice that you're back at home. I missed you!"

"Says the person who hasn't lived in Kansas City for two years now." Dean laughed.

After a bear hug, she held him a little at a distance and examined him carefully.  
"I'm sorry to say that, Dean, but you really look shitty. Have you been celebrating all night? "

"Something like that", he murmured and ran a hand through his hair.

She winked at him conspiratorially.

"So, what was her name?" Jo wanted to know.

"No idea." He hated to lie to Jo.

 

Ellen strictly looked at her foster child.

"Dean Winchester, are you serious? At least you should show a little respect to the women you spend the night with and remember their names.”

Dean decided not to answer.

What should he have said? That he didn’t spend the night with any random women because he had thought about a man?

"Mum leave him alone." Jo said.

She hooked her arm through his and pulled him with her. "Come on, you can help me carry my luggage upstairs."

When they were out of Ellen’s earshot, Jo stopped.  
"Dean, you can’t fool me. I know you far too well for that. This isn't about any insignificant woman trouble. What's really going on? Is it about New York?", she demanded to know.

He could have guessed that Jo would see through him right away. He wouldn't be able to outfox her with a lie, .

"Jo, please. Can we maybe not talk about this now? It's complicated."

"It’s always complicated, isn’t it? Okay, we'll get to it later. But don’t think I'll forget it, Dean. How are you otherwise? Are the new colleagues nice? Come on, tell me everything." she changed the subject.

Dean had to smile. This was typical of Jo. She always wanted to know everything about his life.

"Where should I start?"

"What is your partner's name? Is it a he or again a she?", she wanted to know.

“No, this time they didn't pair me with a woman, just to be safe.” Dean joked. "My partner is Castiel Novak. Any other questions?"

It was not a good sign that Dean's heart had already started beating faster by the sound of his partner's name.

"Castiel Novak. Hmm ... The name is familiar to me. I just can´t figure out where I heard it before." Thoughtfully, she chewed on her fingers, as she always did when she concentrated.

"I don’t know," she gave up after a few moments.

"And the other colleagues?" She interrogated him further.

Dean told her about Charlie and her weakness for Hermione Granger, Kevin, Pam and Donna, who always provided the team with doughnuts. He had to smile when he thought about the fact that Dean himself and Donna always ate most of them.

Later they stowed away Jo's luggage in her old room and talked for a while. At half past five, Sam and Ruby dropped by.

In the afternoon, they had coffee and one of Ruby’s famous pies. The upcoming wedding of Dean's brother and Ruby was the main topic. Jo was quite excited that she was asked to be Ruby's maid of honour. Together, the two young women sat down on the couch and flipped through wedding magazines.

Jo was in her element. Dean talked to Ellen, Bobby and Sam. It was a pleasant afternoon and thank God, they did not ask him any questions. Neither about Bela nor because of last night.

Suddenly, Jo jumped up.

"I´ve got it!" She exclaimed excitedly.

"What’s up, Jo?" Ruby wanted to know, but Jo did not notice her. She ran over to Dean and took him by the hand.

"Come with me." she ordered, dragging Dean to the attic in his apartment.

"Where do you keep your old yearbooks?" She asked impatiently.

"Um ... here on the shelf. Jo, what do you want with my old high school yearbooks?"

"Wait a second. I'll show it to you right away. " She flipped through a book, apparently not finding what she was looking for and threw it aside.

"Hey, Jo. Don´t break them."

"Ha, Eureka! I found it. " Triumphantly she tapped a passage in the yearbook and showed it to Dean.

Dean could not believe it. He tore the book from her hand. "That can’t be possible!" He stared unbelievingly at the page.

 

There it stood black on white: Castiel Novak, graduation year 2003. That could not be true.

His new partner had graduated two years before him at the same high school. A much younger version of Cas in a college jacket and brighter hair looked at him. He could not remember him at all. Why had Castiel not said anything? Maybe his partner had not noticed him either. After all, he had been two years above him.

"I knew I had seen the name before. Castiel is not exactly a common name. "

"Tell me, why do you know my books so well?" Dean wanted to know, Jo turned red.

"Well… sometimes… when you were not there,… I looked at them together with Jennifer." she confessed.

"You did what? Why the heck you would do that?" Dean couldn't believe it. His little sister was always full of surprises.

"What do you think? We wanted to see photos of the sweet high school guys, what else", she defended herself and blushed even deeper.

"Girls!" Dean rolled his eyes.

"By the way, we found the Novak brothers very sweet", she confessed.

"Brothers?" Dean wondered.

"Yes, there is another, Lucius Novak in the same grade."

Yes, Dean could still remember him. Lucius Novak was very chilly, so everybody called him Lucius, like the devil.

"I had to detention with him once at school, it was a very entertaining afternoon, I liked the guy, you just shouldn't have taken him too seriously."

 

"And you don´t remember Castiel?"

"No, just his brother." Dean replied.

"Will you tell him?" Jo wanted to know.

Dean shrugged. "Maybe, … I don’t know," he replied.

He could not imagine ever going back to normal with Cas after last night. So, talking about shared memories was not on his list right now.


	7. Under Pressure (Queen& Davied Bowie)

The weekend went by way too fast like always. But this time it was worse because Dean was almost frightened to meet his partner again. He had no idea how he should behave towards Castiel. Of course, it would be best to pretend nothing had happened. But he wasn´t sure if his acting skills were sufficient.  
As soon as Dean had entered the police department on Monday, he was already intercepted by Kevin.

  
"You must come to Crowley immediately. Cas is already there. I'm afraid the boss is angry because you're stuck. In that case, I mean." the young forensic scientist informed him.  
Dean made his way to Crowley's office immediately. Cas was already there like Kevin told him.

  
"There you are, Winchester. Come in and close the door."  
As Dean entered, he nodded briefly in Castiel's direction and thanked God that Cas couldn’t hear his erratic heartbeats.  
Cas threw him a look that could melt ice.

"Guys, can you please stop flirting for five minutes? We have to talk. Mayor Miller is breathing down my neck. The dead woman is the daughter of one of his friends. He wants to see results. But we cannot show them any. And that's where you come into play. I want this case to have absolute priority. Check everything again. There has to be some detail you overlooked. I want to be able to announce something by the end of the week. Alright now don’t waste time standing here. Start working! IMMEDIATELY!"

Had his boss just accused him of flirting with his partner? Dean could only hope that this was a weird joke. Without looking at Cas, Dean left the room and hurried to his desk. Donna was waiting for him with doughnuts.

  
"Donna, you don’t know how much I love you. That's exactly what I need now. "

  
Dean threw her a kiss and took one of those calorie bombs.

  
"Did Crowley kill you because you make no headway?," she asked sympathetically.

  
"Yes!"

That too, Dean thought. But what really bothered him had nothing to do with the case.  
After a while, Cas joined them and grabbed a doughnut.  
Dean tried to ignore him for the most part.

  
"Did you have a fight, boys?" Donna asked with her mouth full.

  
"No!", Dean and Cas answered at the same time.

  
Cas smiled. Was it anatomically possible for a heart to stop beating for a few moments?  
Fuck! He was so screwed!

  
"You have sugar on your face, Dean," Cas clarified.

  
"What? Oh, where? "

  
Cas really laughed now. "You should rather ask where not." He handed him a napkin and Dean wiped his face.  
"Am I presentable again?" Dean asked Donna.

  
"Oh sweetheart, I would take you with sugar too. Or, to be honest, even with sugar around your sinful lips." Donna confessed and gave him a wink.  
This woman was amazing and bold! But she had managed to ease up the tense situation between Cas and him.  
Looking at his partner, Dean suggested starting. Even if he had no idea where.

  
"We can only start all over again. Maybe we'll redo the interviews." Cas answered.

  
"I think that won't get us anywhere. Let's go see Kevin. Maybe he has some ideas."

  
The three men went through all information once again.  
"I'm counting on a random murder," Kevin said a few hours later.

  
"Isn’t there any connection with other recent killings?" Cas asked again, of course, they had ruled that out right at the beginning of the investigation but now they clutched at every straw.

  
"No unfortunately not. I would have noticed something." Kevin replied.

  
"And what about murders after conventions? Maybe we should look for the connections across the country, maybe even worldwide." Dean suggested.

  
"Not a bad idea. But that will take a while."

  
"And what should we do in the meantime?" Dean asked, not wanting to sit around and wait, but as long as they didn´t have a new clue, there was nothing to do.

  
"No idea. Who am I? Your mother? Clean up your desks. You could get on Charlie's nerves. Drink some coffee. I don’t know. And to be honest, I don’t care. I'll contact you as soon as I have something." He turned his attention back to the screen.

  
Charlie! That gave Dean an idea  
"All right. I wanted to talk to Charlie anyway, see you later, guys. "

  
Before Castiel could react, Dean was already gone. He needed Charlie alone.  
Charlie was taking a break. With relish, she bit into a cheese sandwich. It did not seem to bother her that there was a corpse two meters away.

  
"Hey Dean, how are you?", she greeted him.

  
"Good. Thanks," he answered.

  
"Why did you leave so fast last Friday?" Charlie wanted to know.

  
"I …, my brother needed my help." That was a lame excuse and Dean knew it.

"Aha," was all she said.

  
"Tell me, Charlie ... so, can you ... um ... has Cas ... did he mention once ... Can it be that he ... Do you know if he can remember that we were on the same high school?" he stuttered.

  
He stared intently at the anatomy poster behind Charlie as he waited for her answer. That's why he did not see the smile that spread across Charlie's face. Before he looked at her again, she was serious.

  
"No, he told me once that he was at Oak Park High. But he didn't mention you. I suppose he never noticed you. "

  
Dean didn't notice that she pinched herself in the arm so she wouldn't laugh out loud.

  
"Why don´t you ask him yourself?"

  
"Yeah, maybe I'll do that."

  
Although she pinched her arm so hard that she was sure to get a bruise, Charlie could not suppress a cough that sounded dangerously like a laugh.  
"Do you remember him?" She wanted to know.

  
Dean stared at his fingers.  
"No. I remember his brother, but not Cas."

  
"Then you both can’t remember each other. It's funny."

  
Of course, the only logical explanation was that Cas couldn´t remember him. Dean couldn't say why, but somehow he was disappointed.  
"Would it be possible ... um... could you please keep this conversation to yourself?" He asked Charlie.

  
She swore solemnly and bit into her sandwich in a good mood, though she had secretly crossed her fingers behind her back, and when Dean left she grabbed her cell phone first.


	8. Dreamer (Supertramp)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback. Poor Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this update took so long. But here it is voila ^-^  
> This chapter is not beta read. So if you find mistakes (and you will, I can tell) please tell me, so I can correct them.  
> I really hope you enjoy it.

*** Flashback ***

Castile’s brother Lucius drove the car into the parking lot of the school grounds. As usual, they were late because Gabriel, the youngest of the three Novak brothers, needed to gather his school supplies at the very last moment. Therefore it was no surprise that the student parking lot was already almost full.  
Gabriel pointed to an empty place at the end of the parking area. Lucius accelerated the car to enter the parking space, but from the other side a black car shot up and snapped the parking lot from under their noses.

  
"Idiot!" Lucius cursed.

  
As if nothing had happened, two boys got out of the car. One might be about twelve. He clearly attended junior high in the outhouse. The driver himself was probably sixteen.  
Lucius rolled down the window and stuck his head out.

  
"Hey you idiot, that was our parking lot!" He shouted.

  
"Sorry man, I can’t read your name anywhere," the driver of the black car replied, grinning cheekily.

  
"Assbutt!", Lucius replied and cranked the window up again.

  
"That must be the new one. Anna told me about him. The girls are crazy about him" Gabriel mused.

  
"If he even approaches our cousin, I'll break every bone in his body," Lucius growled, as always when it came to Anna, his protective side was showing. Anna was their cousin, but since they lived next door, she was more like a sister to them.

  
"Luci, calm down. The only thing the new guy has done so far was to snap our parking lot. Besides, Anna is sixteen. If you always scare away all the boys around her, she will die as an old maid!", Gabriel wanted to calm his brother.

  
Lucius let out a derogatory grunt.  
Soon they found a free space. However, it was relatively far away from the school building. So they would be too late. Once again.

Over the next few weeks, Cas saw the newbie more often in the cafeteria, in the hall or at the lockers. When Cas was honest, he sometimes was looking for him. Not that he ever spoke to him. Since Castiel was two years above him, they hadn’t class together.  
Nevertheless, he had managed to get some information. Especially thanks to Meg.  
His name was Dean Winchester. He was sixteen years old and came from Texas. Originally the family was from Kansas City, but after their mother's early death, their father moved to Austin with his two sons. He probably had professional reasons.

  
Cas didn’t know exactly what had happened, but this summer Dean’s father must have been killed in a tragic accident. Therefore the brothers lived now with Bobby and Ellen Singer.  
Dean was very popular, especially among the female half of the students. Meg was probably one of the few who was not head over heels for him. But Meg was different. At the moment she had her dark phase. She only wore black clothes and had dyed her hair black. Cas knew this mood could change quickly. Meg constantly reinvented herself. The only constant in her life was her friendship with Cas. They had been friends since Junior High.

  
"You should not stare at him so obviously," Meg whispered in Cas ear. Of course, she had realized that her friend had it bad for the new guy. Cas removed his gaze from Dean.

  
"Why don’t you just tell him?" She wanted to know while she was picking an apple out of her bag.

  
"Are you crazy? Everyone knows he is straight. "

  
"Alright, alright. But you will never know for sure if you don’t tell him. "

  
Cas shook his head. "Stop it, please."

  
"Okay, whatever you want, Clarence." She sighed and took a bite of her apple.

  
"Tell me, isn’t this your cousin the new guy is talking to?", she wanted to know after a while.

  
In fact, Dean flirted unabashedly in the schoolyard with Anna.

  
"If Luci sees that, he's dead," she commented unperturbed.

  
"I hope he doesn’t sees it. Dean Winchester is a bête noire to Luci. No matter what he does, Luci freaks out," Cas said.

  
His brother, of course, noticed it.  
"Winchester, I warned you weeks ago. Keep your dirty paws from Anna, otherwise ... "Lucius threatened.

  
Lucius was three years older than Dean. But that did not look as though it would impress the younger boy. Serenely, Dean stared back.  
"Otherwise, happens what, Novak?"

  
"Otherwise I'll break your pretty nose," Lucius replied almost friendly.

  
Dean laughed.  
"Novak! Tell me. Are you into your cousin or what? Wouldn’t that be incest?" Dean provoked the older boy.

  
Castiel already knew what would happen before Dean was hit by the first stroke. Within a short time, the two boys were involved in a serious brawl. Students formed a circle around the fighters and alternately cheered for one or the other. Thank God, the show did not last long. After a few minutes, two teachers came running and dragged the brawlers to the headmaster.  
Rector Turner had very little patience with fighters in particular and he was fed up with Dean Winchester. This was the third scuffle since his arrival. He warned the boy that he will be dropped out of school if only a small thing would happen again. He also condemned Dean and Lucius to detention for two weeks.  
In the first few days, the two did not talk to each other when they were detained. On the fourth day, however, they were overseen by Chuck Shurley. From him they did not get a copy exercise, no math’s tasks. Chuck had his own way of dealing with problems. He forced them to ask three questions to one another. They had to either tell the truth or pass. One was allowed to pass only once. It was Lucius turn to start.

  
"How did your parents die?", He wanted to know first.

Dean had to swallow hard. He stared at Lucius.

  
"My mother had leukaemia. My father was a police officer and was killed in a shooting. Is this enough?" He barked.

  
Lucius nodded.

  
“Then it's my turn. Why do you always freak out when someone interacts with Anna? Are you in love with her? "Dean wanted to know.

  
"No, she is like a little sister. I don’t know either. Somehow I feel like I need to protect her. Especially with guys like you that will break her heart. Don’t get me wrong Winchester, but as far as women are involved you are a total asshole. Why don’t you stay with anyone for more than one day? "

  
"Is that your next question?" Chuck asked Lucius.

  
"Yes, it is. Why don’t you date a girl for longer? "

  
Dean seemed to be thinking about the question.  
"I do not know. I like them all, but none of them really matters to me. I cannot explain it to you any better either. "He shrugged.

  
"Okay, Dean. If you really don’t know, then it is alright." Shurley said.

  
"What do you want to do after high school?” Dean asked his next question.  
"I think I want to study the law. I would like to become a lawyer. "

  
„Wow, but you should learn to control your temper. You can’t beat all the criminals.” Dean chuckled at the thought.

  
"Yes, you are right. I'll probably have to work on myself. But here is my last question. Could it be that you never fall in love with a girl because you are into guys? "

  
"What? Are you ... Is this going to be an offer?” Dean looked at Lucius in shock.

  
Lucius laughed out loud.  
"No, believe me. I'm straight. Will you answer that question or are you passing this question?"

  
"I’m not into boys! What the fuck gave you that idea? "Dean wanted to know.

  
"Pity! Otherwise, I would like to introduce you to my ... "

  
"Novak, you are insane!"

  
"Yes, I've heard that often."

  
"Gentlemen, it has been tremendous fun with you, but unfortunately your detention is over for today. But we'll meet next week. Same time, same place. Have a nice day."

Everything went well for a few months. Since detention together, Dean and Lucius had become almost friends. Dean never flirted with Anna again. But with almost every other girl. Even if the girl was already taken.  
It was just before Easter when Dean went too far. Jeffrey Hall, the football team captain, caught his girlfriend and Dean making out.  
Jeffrey swore revenge. When Dean wanted to climb into his beloved Impala one morning after spring break, he found it with slashed tires. It was an open secret that Jeffrey and two of his friends were responsible for the action.  
For Cas it was obvious that Dean would not leaf it to that. And so it happened. After a football game against Greenwood Highschool Dean sneaked into the locker room. The lockers of the players were never locked. While the crew was showering, he took all sports dresses and clothes of Jeffrey and his friends. In the schoolyard he threw them into a garbage can and lit everything.  
Of course, Jeffrey knew right away who had played this trick on them.  
Cas did not find out about it until the next day when Lucius drove them to school with his car.

  
"This idiot, this time he will be dropped out," said Lucius.

  
“Do you know why he did it?" Cas asked.

  
"The car is a memory of his father. It's not that I don’t understand him, but Principal Turner won’t care. He promised to drop him out next time. Fuck! Dean is such an idiot."

  
So Dean would have to leave school and just disappear from Castile’s life. Although it always hurt to see him with any girl, it would be even worse if he did not see him anymore. Even before they arrived at school, Cas had made a decision.  
He went straight to the direction office. Principal Turner was very surprised to see him.

  
"Castiel, what can I do for you?" He asked kindly.

  
"I want to confess something," Cas replied determinedly.

  
"Confess? What do you want to confess? "Now he had the Rector's full attention.

  
"Yesterday, I burned all the clothes and sports dresses of Jeffrey, Rob and Mark in the schoolyard," Cas lied, telling the rector exactly how it had supposedly happened.

  
After finishing his confession, Principal Turner watched him silently for a while.  
"And why would you do that, Castiel?" Cas had expected this question.

  
"I'm in love with Dean Winchester. Secretly, of course. Jeffrey and his friends damaged his car. Sir, you have to understand that the car belonged to Deans father and he died just a few months ago. I just wanted to give the guys a memo, I think. "

  
The Rector blinked. "Oh! I have to admit that I did not expect that. "

  
The first part was a success. Rector Turner believed him.  
"I know that was wrong. If I promised to pay for the damage, it would be possible ... so could you…, Sir could you keep that as a secret? I know I am asking for a lot, but nobody knows about ... my feelings and I think it would be better if it stays that way. "

  
"Wow, Castiel. This is the craziest story I've ever heard. But I also think we should not share this story with anyone. You have my word, " Tuner agreed.

  
"I just do not understand why you even admit. Nobody would ever have thought of you in the matter, "the principal wondered.

  
"Surely you would have blamed Dean for the cause. Maybe he would have been dropped out because of my actions, "Cas choked.

  
"Yes, you are right. It was right to come here. Of course, I cannot let you get away without punishment. You will clean the schoolyard every day after school for two weeks. In addition, you will pay for all the clothes. Castiel, you are an excellent student and have never caused trouble so far, so I will not inform your parents or anyone else. But if something like that happens again, I will. Are we clear?"

  
Castiel was very pleased. That worked out much better than he had expected. He nodded and left the Rector's office.  
Of course, Dean was given a rubdown from Jeffrey and his friends. The three of them attacked him a few days later. All of them were sent to the rectors- office. But this time Dean didn’t get in troubles, but the others. Turner told them that Dean could not have committed the act because someone else had already confessed it. Of course, he kept his word and didn’t tell them who. Jeffrey and his friends were suspended for a week.  
Dean didn’t have the faintest idea who could have done such a thing for him and why.  
Lucius, on the other hand, had a clue when Dean told him the story.  
In the evening he confronted Cas in his room.

  
"You did it, didn’t you? "

  
Cas didn’t answer. He sat on his bed and looked at his hands.

  
"You realize it does not look like you will ever have a chance? He even doesn’t know you exist." Lucius demanded softly.

  
"You are not telling him anything, are you, Luci?" Cas asked.

  
Slowly Lucius shook his head, patted his brother on the shoulder and left the room.  
*** Flashback end ***


	9. Maneater (Hall & Oats)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is now beta-read by the wonderful brokenfannibal. Thank you so much!  
> I hope you all enjoy ^-^

With an exasperated sigh, Dean pushed the documents aside. He had difficulties concentrating over the last days. And it was all the more easy to make a fool of himself.

Even if it was hard, he would have to deal with the situation.

He remembered he intended to stay away from his female coworkers. From a distance, this could have been funny. But it wasn’t. Dean didn’t know what scared him more. The fact that he was attracted to his coworker, who was a man or that he even had feelings for him. Oh God, he was so fucked!

Cas heard Dean’s sigh and looked at him.

"We will find him, Dean." He reassured.

Once again his coworker glanced at him with a strange look. Dean tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. But they kept flying around like crazy. Fuck his life!

He desperately needed fresh air. Maybe he should offer to go for some food.

"Does anyone want something from the hot dog stand?" He asked.

Meanwhile, Charlie was just finishing her call. Joyfully she rubbed her hands. That would be big fun. Charlie had carefully figured out a plan. Everyone would go for a beer after work today. The biggest difficulty would be to convince Dean that he had to come along. She knew it wouldn’t be that easy after their movie night. But somehow she would manage.

After a short while, Meg would show up and pretend to be Castiel’s girlfriend. Charlie hoped Dean would finally realize how he felt for Cas. That he already had fallen in love with Castiel was out of the question. He just hadn’t realized it yet. Charlie didn’t bother to let Cas in on the plan. He would screw it up anyway. Once Dean was around, Cas was always a bubbling mess. But Meg was initiated. Right after Dean left, Charlie had talked to her on the phone. After all, she was one of Cas oldest friends and witnessed everything from the start. Meg had screamed with enthusiasm and of course, immediately agreed to join Charlie's plan.

When Dean returned to the police department, he was eagerly awaited by the others. He served out the hotdogs and sat down at his desk.

"Who wants to come for a beer afterwards?" Charlie asked innocently.

"Yeah, sure. We can go to Birdy’s bar if you like. That would be nice.” Donna answered.

Kevin, Pam, and Cas also agreed. Only Dean was holding back like Charlie expected. But Donna’s plea did the trick.

"Come on, sunshine. That will be fun. And maybe… Maybe my ex will be there. The asshole left me because he thinks I'm too fat. I would like him to realize that I have a good life without him. Please join us!" she begged.

Dean sighed. "Okay, because it's you."

"You're a sweetheart!" She exclaimed enthusiastically before Dean knew it she pulled him down and kissed him on the cheek Dean laughed in surprise.

Automatically his gaze shifted to Cas, who had watched the scene with a grin. Automatically, Dean smiled back, wondering at the deep, warm feeling that was spreading in his stomach.

They made use of the last hours before closing time and talked to Kevin. He was sure he was hot on the murderers' trail. Tomorrow they would go through everything again.

Then the whole troupe went to the bar.

Donna's ex-husband was not there, but the evening was still young, she said.

Dean found himself disappointed by the fact that he didn’t sit next to Cas. The whole situation was getting out of hand. They ordered their first round and talked about the case. Kevin had a small lead. He did not want to promise them too much yet. It looked like there had been a similar case two years ago in San Diego. The victim was a forty-two-year-old man. He too was first beaten from behind and then stabbed several times in his chest. That was at least a trace.

They had not been there for half an hour when Dean spotted an attractive blonde heading straight for their table. Her hair was long and wavy. She was wearing tight black pants, a leather jacket, and boots. Dean had to admit, that she looked hot. A few weeks ago, he certainly would have tried to invite her for a drink. But since the bankruptcy at the bar after their movie night, everything had changed. With a happy hello she squeezed herself next to Cas and kissed him on the mouth.

"Hello, Clarence." She whispered.

Cas looked surprised.

"Meg! What are you doing here?" He wanted to know.

"Charlie called me. She said that you were here. I was curious and wanted to see your new colleague.", she replied.

She held out her hand to Dean.

"Hello, I'm Meg. I'm really happy to meet you.", she introduced herself.

"Hi, I'm Dean."

"I know. You won´t remember me, but we were at the same school."

Cas looked wrecked.

"Don’t look so shocked Clarence. You probably don't remember Dean, just as he doesn’t remember you. That's not surprising. After all, he was a few years above us. But I still remember him. You broke many hearts then. So many spilled tears in the girls' bathroom. As far as I know, none of the ladies could conquer your heart.", she grinned.

Dean vaguely remembered Meg, who had dark hair and wore black clothes at the time.

"Who knows, maybe I don’t have a heart." Dean replied defiantly.

"I don’t believe that. You probably haven’t found the instructions in your heart yet. What do you think, Clarence?" Fondly she patted Castiel's shoulder. Dean didn’t want to stare at their interlocked fingers, but it seemed a hopeless.

"Why do you call Cas Clarence?" Donna wanted to know.

"Oh, that's just such a thing between us?" She said mysteriously.

He couldn’t help the sting of jealousy. So Cas had a girlfriend! Dean had no idea why, but suddenly his beer tasted warm and stale. Besides, he suddenly found it terribly tedious to have a normal conversation. There was a stinging pain in his chest when he saw how familiar Cas and Meg were with each other.

"Could you put your arm around my shoulder and pretend that we're together?" This unexpected question came from Donna.

Dean looked at her in surprise.

"Why?" He wanted to know.

"Look over there. It’s my ex-husband Doug."

Dean followed her gaze and understood. He put his arm around Donna’s shoulders. To be honest, he was even grateful for the distraction. Moments later, Donna's ex actually came to their table.

"Hello, Donna. How are you?" Doug asked a few seconds later.

"I'm fine, as you can see. What about you?", she replied self-confidently.

He looked at Dean for a long time, as if he could not believe what he saw. Dean pulled her closer, studying the tall man from top to bottom as well.

"So you're Donna's ex-husband."

"Looks like it." Doug said, defiantly meeting Dean's gaze.

"Nice that you have been stupid enough to let a woman like Donna go." Dean beamed at Doug, who seemed to have had enough, and quickly said goodbye.

"See you, Donna." he said.

"If it can't be avoided," she answered.

When he left, Dean shook his head.

"You don't want that idiot back, do you?" He asked.

"Actually, I just want him to want me back so that I can say no." she confessed.

Dean pulled her closer and gave her a kiss on her temple.

"You are an incredible woman, Donna. For real. Please don’t change for such an idiot."

When Dean looked around he met Cas eyes. He wasn’t able to read his gaze, but Meg, who was sitting beside him, reminded him painfully that he could only have imagined the tension between them.

Fuck! Why did the thought of Cas having a girlfriend hurt him?

He had to stop thinking about his coworker as quick as possible.


	10. Cold as Ice (Foreigner)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please notice that this part is not beta read and English is not my first language. ^_^

It was only nine o'clock when Dean left Birdy’s bar and he did not want to go home yet. That's why decided to call Sam. He knew it was in the middle of the week, but maybe his brother would have time for a beer or two.  
Dean fished his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Sams number.

  
"Hey, Dean, what’s up?" Sam wanted to know.

  
"Yeah, everything’s fine. I just wanted to ask if you're in the mood for a beer. We could meet at the Roadhouse for a little while."

  
"Yes, why not, see you there in twenty."

  
About half an hour later the Winchester brothers sat at the bar. Ellen brought them a beer. She was glad to see her boys, but she was too busy to talk to them. Although the week had just begun, there was a lot going on in the Roudhouse. Thank goodness Bobby was there to help.

  
"How are the wedding preparations going on?" Dean wanted to know.

  
"Well, I think good. It's not like I have a say in it. Ruby and Jo are planning everything. But I do not complain. So I have less to do. "

He grinned satisfied and took a sip of beer from the bottle.  
"You realize that you should plan my bachelor party?" Sam reminded his brother of the duties of the best man.

  
Dean just nodded. He was more silent than usual. Something seemed to occupy his thoughts.  
Sam knew his brother well enough to notice.

  
"Okay, Dean. Spill it. The last time we were in a bar at this time of the week was a very long time ago and you are miles away with your thoughts. If I did not know better, I'd say you're in love. "

Sam raised an eyebrow questioningly.  
Irritated, Dean looked at his brother but did not reply.

  
"Oh my God! I am right. Dean Winchester finally got it! "Sam exclaimed.

  
"Where is the problem man? Don’t tell me she doesn’t want you. Except ... is she married? "

  
Dean shook his head but still said nothing. He struggled with the shock Sam's statement had sparked in him. Fuck! Was he really in love? Distressed he closed his eyes. But that did not change anything. Sam was right. Dean had fallen in love. For the first time in his life, he really felt something for someone who did not belong to his family. Unfortunately, his feelings were not returned.

  
"Hey, Dean. It can’t be that hopeless, " Sam tried softer.

  
Dean turned the beer bottle in his hands.

  
"Imagine you had fallen madly in love with Marilyn Monroe. How high would you rate your chances of starting a family with her? " Dean tried to explain.

  
"Are you implying that you have fallen in love with a dead woman?" Sam asked confused.

  
"No! I just wanted to give you an idea of how hopeless the whole thing is. "

  
"Would you like to tell me who it is?" Sam asked carefully.

  
Dean had to stifle a laugh. Then he looked directly at Sam.

  
"It's my partner. Castiel Novak, "Dean answered seriously and took a long sip of his beer.

  
"You ... fell in love with a man?"

  
Sam looked at his brother in surprise.

  
"Do you have a problem with that?" Dean wanted to know uncertainly.

  
"No, not really. That was just ... unexpected. "

  
Dean sensed that his brother was not lying to him. It did not bother him. It somehow relieved him more than he had thought.

  
"Yeah, it's unexpected," Dean sighed, draining the remaining beer from his bottle in one gulp.

  
"Okay, wait here Dean, I'll be right back."

  
Sam disappeared behind the bar and came back with a whiskey bottle.

  
"Come on, let's go upstairs."

  
Dean looked at his brother in surprise.

  
"How did you do that? That's Ellen's good whiskey. "

  
"I told her you’re lovesick. She gave me the good whiskey without hesitation, meaning she could not believe this would ever happen."

  
Dean laughed, but there was nothing funny about it.  
The hangover the next morning was not as bad as Dean had feared. Miraculously, they had not overslept. It was after midnight when Sam, not quite sober, had decided to spend the night at Dean’s couch. In the early morning, Sam had to go home before work to change. He had a hearing at eight. Dean gave his brother great credit for staying. But of course, he would have done the same for Sam. Dean had prepared a battle plan during the night. He wanted to avoid Cas as far as possible. Of course, he would have to talk to him professionally. But anything beyond that he wanted to minimize until he could handle his feelings for Castiel.  
When he arrived at the Department, no one noticed any change. He ate Donna's doughnut with pleasure and drank coffee. He joked with Charlie and flirted with Pam, but he ignored Cas. Of course not completely, because that would have been conspicuous. He said hi, handed him the box with the doughnuts and even poured him some coffee, but he avoided looking at him.  
Throughout the morning they were busy by following Kevin's trail. At noon he brought hot dogs again. He did not sit down at his desk next to Castiel's for dinner but rolled his chair to Donna.  
Immediately after the short break, he returned to work.

  
He tried his best even not to think about Cas. But of course, he failed.  
Charlie watched Dean and Cas with growing concern. She was sure her plan had worked out. Dean now seemed to be aware of what he felt for Cas, but he fought hard against it. And Cas had given up clearly. He looked so lost that it broke Charlie's heart. She needed to do something, and she needed to do it quickly.


	11. Can't fight this feeling

Somehow, Charlie had thought it would be easier. But she had underestimated Dean's stubbornness. Twice she tried talking to Dean about Cas, but each time he avoided her. It was depressing. In addition, there was no progress with the case.  
On Friday, Dean and Cas should meet in Crowley's office to inform their boss about the latest developments of the case. Dean was in a bad mood all day. The steady collaboration with Cas and the fact that Dean was constantly busy hiding his feelings was driving him crazy. Maybe this was also the reason why they started a fight at Kevin’s office. They decided to challenge the murderer. Dean thought it would be best to be the bait himself. Cas didn’t like the idea at all. He was raging. Kevin and Charlie had no chance to calm him down. Charlie had never seen Cas like this before. Accordingly, the atmosphere between the two agents was explosive when they entered Crowley’s office.  
Kevin had discovered that the perpetrator traveled from state to state. All victims were killed after a convention from the back with an iron bar and stabbed with a little knife. For most of the victims, the blow to the head was enough to kill them. After killing them the murderer always transferred the dead bodies to a park.  
There were two Comicons nearby this weekend. One was still in Kansas, more precisely in Topeka. The other was already in the next state in Jefferson City. Since the perpetrator had never struck in Missouri, they also considered this possibility. It was suspicious that all victims wore a Star Trek Cosplay.

  
"So what are you planning to do?" Crowley asked.

  
"I'll go to the Convention wearing a Captain Kirk cosplay and hoping the killer will show up. Cas and the others will stay in the background until he tries to hit me with the iron bar. Then they intervene, arrest him and everything will be fine, " Dean said as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

  
"No, Mr Crowley, Sir ... I think that's too risky. There has to be another way, "Cas protested, and Crowley raised an eyebrow in surprise.

  
"So you don’t agree," he said.

  
"What if the iron bar smashes Dean's skull first? What if we are not fast enough?" Cas asked worriedly.

  
"No, it’s not as risky as it may sound. I am wearing a wire and the team is always there to ... ", Dean wanted to defend his plan.

  
"Well, if that's the case, we should be in both places at the same time. Dean in Topeka and me in Jefferson City, " Cas interrupted.

  
"Sir, Jefferson City is not within our area of responsibility…” Dean interjected.

  
“But maybe we could get the local police to work with us," Cas quickly said.

  
"What? Cas ... no! That's out of the question! "Dean snapped at his partner.

  
Crowley had never seen Novak or Winchester so angry. To be honest, he was amused.

  
"Why? Didn’t you just mention the operation is not as risky as it sounds? "Cas snapped.

  
Dean gasped. Was Cas using his own words against him? Angry, he started to convince Crowley not to let Cas go. But his boss raised his hand to stop them.

  
"Boys listen. This is like kindergarten. Go, argue and come back when you have a solution. Get out of my hair now! "He shook his head and pointed the door.

  
Dean was almost bursting with anger when they left Crowley's office.  
Charlie came to meet them in the corridor trying to say something, but when she saw their faces, she decided to leave them alone. It looked as though the disagreement would soon become a brawl.  
Dean just waved at her. Not wanting to argue with Cas in front of the others, he dragged him into the back stairwell.

  
"I don’t want you to play the decoy, Cas. That's too dangerous! " Dean exploded.

  
"Damn, that's my job. That's exactly what we're trained for. "Castiel looked at Deans with angry eyes.

  
"You're trained to be hit with an iron bar? Two of the dead people were soldiers, remember? Do you think they were not trained to defend themselves? "Dean shouted at him.

  
"Dean, that's exactly what I want to explain to you all morning. This is a suicide command. Why should anything be different when you play the decoy? "Cas huffed.

  
Maybe because I could not stand it if something happened to you, you idiot, Dean thought, furious that he couldn’t think of an argument to convince Cas.  
Dean grabbed Cas by the collar and pushed him against the wall. He wanted to beat that nonsense out of his head.

  
"The soldiers did not expect the attack. I do, "Dean nearly shouted.

  
For a while, they stared at each other angrily.

  
"Damn Dean. We have to do something, but I don’t want you to do it alone. “

  
Frustrated, Dean hit the wall with his fist. Castiel winced.

  
"Do you even consider thinking about the people who care for you, Cas?”

  
"Who are you thinking about in particular? My friends and my family know that my job is dangerous." Castiel's voice was precariously low.

  
"And what about your girlfriend?" Dean exclaimed.

  
"My girlfriend? Why do you expect me to have a girlfriend? "Cas asked, obviously confused.

  
Dean frowned.

  
"Meg?"

  
"Meg is my best friend, nothing more and nothing less. Damn Dean, by now even you should have noticed that I'm not into women."

  
Dean blinked. What? His heart was drumming like crazy. Cas had no girlfriend and he was... he was gay!

  
“You… Meg is not your….”

  
Dean knew he was staring but he wasn’t able to move or break eye contact, He noticed that Castiel's face was getting closer and closer. Dean's gaze wandered to the other man’s plump lips. The sight was breathtaking. Oh, God. He wanted to kiss them so bad.  
Unconscious, Cas moistened his lips with his tongue.

  
"Fuck Cas, you have no idea what you're doing to me." Dean suddenly didn’t want to fight that feeling anymore. He wanted to touch Cas, wanted to kiss him.  
So he grabbed Castiel's head and smashed their lips together. The contact of their lips and bodies was mind-blowing.  
Cas groaned and wrapped his arms around Dean's neck to pull him even closer. Passionately, he returned the kiss, his tongue urgently exploring Dean's mouth.  
Dean didn’t know how long they stood there and kissed. Time seemed to stand still. He only knew that he wished this could last forever.


	12. What went down (Foals)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the following angst, but there will be a happy ending! Pinky promise. ^-^

Dean strolled through the halls of the Comicon. It was a bizarre spectacle. He met Princess Lea, Captain America, Harley Quinn, and so many other characters from movies or comics. To be honest, it was a lot of fun.  
Of course, he was wearing a wire and the team was ready to step in.  
And even if he knew that Cas was wearing a wire as well, he had a bad feeling about letting him go to Jefferson City while he was in Topeka. Dean still wasn’t able to believe that he had kissed Cas, a man and it was amazing. After what felt like an eternity they had to return to Crowley's office, but they both had no clue what to do because nobody wanted the other in danger. When they returned to their boss, he had already decided what to do. Dean was not happy about it, but Kevin had a brilliant idea. He wanted to use miniature cameras on the back of her cosplays. So the team would see everything that happened behind their backs as well.  
Charlie had put a lot effort in their costumes. Dean did not know where she got them so fast but she was determined to dress them up as Kirk and Spock. Charlie was excited. She even didn’t forget about Spocks ears and the typical eyebrows. After Charlie was done, she was completely satisfied with her work and clapped her hands enthusiastically.  
By the time they were wearing their wires and their cosplays Charlie had to go to Donna's and Dean and Cas were alone in the pathology. Dean wished Cas good luck and asked him to come back safely. Then he kissed him. However, before the kiss became more passionate, they heard a click and then a totally excited Charlie.

  
"Holy smokes. Kirk and Spock are kissing. Oh my god. "She was bobbing up and down like a hop ball.

  
Dean smiled.

  
"Did you just take a picture of us? I heard a click, "Cas asked.

  
"Yeah, and I'd like to post it on Instagram and Tumblr," she enthused.

  
Cas gave her a reproachful look.

  
"Of course I don’t," she hurried to reassure Cas.

  
“But I would love to.” She said with a wide grin.

  
Under normal circumstances, Dean would most likely have been upset but at that moment, he was just too damn happy.  
All victims were between nine and eleven pm on the last day of the conventions. And therefore Dean pretended to be on his way home at ten pm. They had previously chosen an extra deserted area that he should pass. He walked around until eleven-thirty but nothing happened. The killer was either not in this city or he didn’t want to kill Captain Kirk. Frustrated, they drove back to Kansas City. In the car, he looked at his cell phone and noticed a message from Charlie.

  
"CALL ME!"

  
The urgency he felt because of the capital letters scared him to death. With trembling fingers, he dialled Charlie's number.

  
"Dean finally!"

  
From her voice, Dean realized that something bad had happened. No, no, please do not Cas, he prayed. Please, God!

  
"Charlie, you scare me. Please tell me that everything is OK with Cas. "

  
"Listen, I'm so sorry, but Cas is ..."

  
"Don’t... please tell me that Cas is still alive," Dean implored, closing his eyes for a moment.

  
"He's alive, but ... Dean, he… he was hit with the iron bar. I don’t know exactly what actually happened and how bad it is, but according to the doctors, it is probably very serious. He's in Jefferson City because he's not transportable. His family is just on the way to him. I'm so sorry Dean. "Dean realized that she was crying, but he wasn’t able to comfort her, everything felt strangely numb as if all this was not going to happen to him as if he was just watching.

  
By car, it was three hours from Topeka to Jefferson City. So it was 4:30 when he arrived at the hospital. Charlie, Kevin and even Crowley were already there. Charlie immediately ran to him and hugged him.

  
"I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

  
"Dean? Dean Winchester? "He suddenly heard a questioning voice behind him. He turned around recognized him instantly, it was Lucius Novak, Castiel's older brother, the woman next to him had to be Cas's mother.

  
"Lucius!"

  
"What are you doing here?" Castiel's brother wanted to know.

  
"We're here for Cas. Cas and I are partners at the Police Department in Kansas City. Something went wrong with the mission, "said Dean.

  
"I did not know you were partners, Cas never told me ..."

  
"If you are Castiel's partner, why did not you stop it? You should have protected him! ", Mrs Novak interrupted her son and looked accusingly at Dean.

  
She was right. He should have protected Cas. It was completely wrong that he was not there.

  
"Mrs Novak. It was not Dean's fault. I separated them for this assignment. Dean did not want Cas to do the job alone. If you want to blame someone, then you have to blame me, "Crowley intervened.  
Mrs Novak sobbed and Lucius hugged her.

  
"Calm down, Mom. It's going to be okay. I promise."

  
“How is he… do you know something? "Dean asked Lucius.

  
"Cas is currently undergoing surgery. The doctors think we should be patient.” Lucius answered.

  
The worst thing for Dean was doing nothing. Just sit there in the waiting room and wait. After endless three hours, a doctor came and told Lucius and his mother that the operation had gone well. However, Castiel was still in artificial deep sleep. They wanted to wait a few more days to wake him up.  
Dean, Charlie, Kevin, and Crowley drove back to Kansas City. There was nothing they could have done for him. For the next four days, however, Dean visited Cas daily. It was almost unbearable to see him like this. After the four days, the doctors decided that it was time to get him out of artificial deep sleep. It usually would take one to two days for the patient to fully awake. When Dean was at the hospital to visit Cas two days later, he was intercepted by Lucius.

  
"Dean, before you go to Cas's room, I have to tell you something. It looks like Cas will not remember anything that happened after his bike accident. It happened when he was fifteen. So it's very likely he will not recognize you. "


	13. Always on my mind (Elvis Presley)

Nervously, Dean entered the hospital room. Cas was in bed. The headboard was set up a bit.  
He had a thick white bandage around his head. Curious and friendly, Castiel's blue eyes studied him.

  
"Hi, Cas. How are you? "Dean asked in a rough voice.

  
Cas looked at his brother quizzically. It was obvious that Castiel had no idea who Dean was.  
Wow. Dean felt like someone had punched him right in the stomach.  
The worst part were Cas's eyes, which searched to find a hint but didn’t find anything. Dean was a stranger to him.

  
"That's Dean. Your partner at the police department. You worked with him on a case when you got the punch on the head. "

  
Cas nodded and held out his hand to Dean.

  
"Hello, Dean. Did we at least succeed? "Cas asked politely.

  
"Ahem ... yes, the killer was caught," Dean replied.

  
He had to force a smile. How should he be able to make this conversation without crying? How could he talk to Cas like to a stranger on a bus?  
Cas nodded, his eyes still searching for something familiar.  
Dean had to go! Immediately! He wouldn't bear one more second looking at Cas.

  
"Excuse me, but you need some rest. I'll leave you, "he apologized and left the room quickly.

  
Outside, he sat down first on a bench and hid his face in his hands. He did not have the strength to stop the tears.

  
"May I sit next to you?"

  
Dean hadn’t noticed that Lucius had followed him.  
He shifted slightly to make room for the other man to sit down.

  
"Can I ask you something, Dean?" Lucius wanted to know after a while.

  
Dean looked at him nodding his head.

  
"You and Cas… You were more than partners at work, am I right? "

  
"Yes," Dean replied honestly and without hesitation, "Yes, we were, for two days and now he doesn’t even remember my name."

  
Lucius patted his shoulder with sympathy.

  
"I want to ask you for a favour, Dean."

  
Dean frowned.

  
"What kind of favour?"

  
"I ask you not to give up. Nobody knows if Castiel's memories will ever come back or when. But I know that Castiel and you belong together. He'll fall in love with you again if you let him. I'm absolutely sure. And I also know that my brother would never give up in the reverse case. "

  
"What makes you think that Cas wouldn’t give up?" Dean pursued.

  
"You know Dean, Cas fell in love with you when he was still in high school. You never noticed him, but he was convinced that you would one day. You were busy making out with every girl at school, but Cas endured it. You dropped the ball and he took the fall for you. I've always thought he was a romantic weirdo, but now I'm not sure if it hadn’t been just fate. Maybe you were always meant for each other. Castiel only recognized it sooner than you did. "

  
"Cas was what ...? He ... he took the blame for the burnt things? Why?"

  
"Not even you can be so stupid, Winchester. I told you he was in love with you. How could he let you be expelled from school? "

  
"Fuck, Lucius. Should this information make me feel better? Cas was in love with me all these years and I didn’t even know that he was existing. Oh, God. That only makes things worse. "

  
"Don’t be a fool, Dean. Cas wasn’t just sitting at home and waiting for you. He also had some relationships. "

  
Dean knew it was irrational, but it hurt when Lucius mentioned Castiel's relationship.

  
"So what do you think I should do?" He asked.

  
"Be there for him, visit him, do something with him, I don’t know. But Dean please, don’t pull back because it hurts. Promise!" Lucius looked seriously at Dean.

  
After a moment of hesitation, Dean nodded.

  
"I’ll try."

  
Dean stuck to the promise. Every day he went to Jefferson City by car to visit Cas and every day he hoped that Castiel's memory would recur. Of course, it was in vain. After two weeks his partner was finally allowed to return home and Dean started to visit him there. For Dean, it became more and more difficult to bear that Cas did not look at him like he used to. Although Cas seemed to be happy every time he saw Dean, his eyes had lost all intimacy. More than once Dean wondered how Castiel had endured not telling Dean about his feelings back in their high school days. At the moment, it almost killed him.  
But somehow life went on anyway. Sam's wedding was approaching and slowly it was time to plan his bachelor party. He decided to let Cas help with the planning. So at least they had something to do together.  
Cas was excited to help Dean. The whole evening they were working on the plan. They couldn’t celebrate at the Roadhouse because the girls had planned their party there. So they reserved an adjoining room in Birdy’s bar. Of course, Dean wanted the compulsory "stripper-hops-out-of-the-pie" number for his brother. Ruby also got a hot police strip.

  
"Where do you want to get a stripper?", Cas asked.

  
Dean pulled out his cell phone.

  
"Oh, no problem. I'll just call Macie. "Dean said with a shrug and dialled her number.

  
Cas wrinkled his brow, and for a brief moment, Cas was staring at Dean like he used to the incident.

  
"Do you know this Macie very well?" He asked.

  
All of a sudden, Cas looked confused.

  
"Do you remember anything, Cas?" Dean hoped.

  
"I don’t know. There was something like a memory for a moment, but I couldn’t hold it. "

  
Before he realized what he was doing, Dean was hugging Cas.

  
"Cas, that's a good sign!"

  
It was incredibly hard for Dean to stop the embrace in a reasonable time.  
He cleared his throat and patted Cas on the shoulder.

  
"Do you want to come to the bachelor party?", Dean asked after a short while.

  
"I don’t know your brother."

  
"I’m sure that doesn’t bother him. He's always happy to meet my friends, "Dean tried to persuade Cas.

  
"All right, if you really want I'll come with you. Maybe there are memories coming back from this Macie, "Cas said.


	14. Carry On My Wayward Son (Kansas)

As expected, Sam didn’t mind that Cas came along. Quite the opposite. Sam knew the whole dramatic story and was very curious to meet Cas.

"What are you planning for me?" Sam wanted to know from his brother.

"The classic, of course. Wine, woman and music, " Dean answered proudly.

"Thank God! I am relieved. I was afraid you hired the Chippendales, "Sam said with a mocking look on his face.

"The ... Chippendales? You ... "Dean stared in disbelief at his little brother.

"Well, now that you're into men..."

Dean grabbed a pillow from the couch and threw it at his brother.

"Bitch ... If you annoy me any longer, I'll cancel Macie and ask Jo where she got her stripper from."

“Jerk! Please don’t do that to me…” Sam was laughing hard.

 

Cas's eyes were on Macie. Dean couldn’t do anything against the jealous pull inside him. When Macie came to Cas and even danced in front of him, Dean couldn’t hold back and intervened.

"This is not the groom, Macie," he hissed at her.

"I know darling, but he's also very cute," she whispered.

Dean decided to go get a beer at the bar before he did anything rash. When he returned to the next room, the stripper happily sat on Sam's lap, who was a little drunk already. He obviously had fun. Macie only wore a black, very translucent underwear, stockings and high-heels.

When Cas came to Dean he seemed to be very excited.

"Something important happened. I knew this Macie would help me. "Cas beamed at him.

Dean was not sure if he wanted to know what Cas could remember from Macie, but he didn’t say anything.

"Don’t you want to know?" Cas asked.

"Yes, of course," Dean hurried to reply.

"Macie made me aware that I'm not into women at all."

Dean almost choked on his beer.

What the fuck should he answer? He looked into Castiel's unbelievably blue eyes and smiled. Cas returned it. Maybe Lucius was right and everything would be fine. Eventually, his partner would fall in love with him again and they could start over.

Dean stayed sober the whole evening. Also, Cas had only one beer. So, they had to make sure that Sam came would reach his bed safely. They guided Dean's brother to the Impala and drove him home. Dragging him into the apartment was a challenge. How could a man of normal weight be so heavy? Dean was glad he was not alone. When they finally managed to pull Sam into his bed, they just took off his shoes and covered him with the blanket.

As they were about to leave the bedroom, Sam started muttering in his sleep.

"You have to tell Cas that you love him, Dean, do you hear ... you have to ...."

Totally frozen, Dean stopped. His heart pounded against his chest. He did not have the courage to look at Cas.

"Dean?"

"Listen Cas, I ..."

"Please tell me the truth Dean, were we ... Was there more than friendship between us?" Cas asked.

Dean took a deep breath and looked at Cas.

"Yes, Cas. We were more than just friends, "Dean admitted.

Angrily, Cas ruffled his hair.

"Damn Dean! Why didn’t you tell me that? "

"Cas, at first you almost died and then you did not even know my name,  let alone who I am. I didn’t mean ... Oh, I don’t know ... Cas, please ... I didn’t want to… we just shared two kisses. Everything was so new and you were my first boyfr ... "

"DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS, DEAN? Do you know what it feels like to know nothing about the last nineteen years of your life? I have no idea who my friends are. I can’t do my job because I don’t know how. I have no idea who currently is president of the United States. Damn, I didn’t even know that I'm gay. You knew it all the time. All the things that scare me to death,  Dean. You've been there for me in the last few weeks. I thought I could trust you. But as it stands, I can’t trust anyone right now."

Cas was terribly upset and Dean didn’t want to let him go so he grabbed his arm.

"Cas, please ..."

"No, I have to be alone right now. I think it's better if we don’t see each other for a while, "Cas answered harshly.

He turned around and left without saying goodbye. Dean wanted to go after him, but what should he say? Cas was right. Dean didn’t tell Cas because he didn’t want to push the other. Cas shouldn’t think that Dean was expecting something. He wanted to give Cas the opportunity to decide differently if he wanted to. But no matter how unselfish his motives were originally, it would not make any difference to Cas. He felt betrayed

The awful fear of finally losing Cas took Deans his breath.

Although it was already half past three in the night, he decided to visit Charlie. He knew it was not fair to wake her up, but now he needed someone to talk to.

He had to ring the doorbell for a while until she opened the door. Totally sleepy, she looked at the man that woke her up, disturbing her beauty sleep. Her red hair was totally messed up. She was wearing blue pyjamas that looked like a British police box. Amazed, Dean looked her up and down.

"What's that supposed to be," Dean wanted to know.

Charlie looked down at herself.

"Well, the Tardis, of course, Dean, this is a Tardispyjama, but I hope you didn’t get me out of bed at this time because you wanted to talk about my pyjamas."

She yawned loudly.

"No, of course not, I really need someone to talk to."

"Let me guess, is it maybe because of Cas?"

Dean nodded.

"Wow, I'm so good, come in."

They sat down in the kitchen and Dean told her everything that had happened.

For a long time she was quiet and thinking, then she got up and went to her espresso machine.

"Would you like a coffee, too?" She offered.

Dean declined, but Charlie filled the machine with a coffee capsule and pressed the button.

With a steaming cup of coffee, she sat back down next to Dean.

At that moment, the kitchen door was opened and a rather hot young woman came in. She was wearing a Captain America pyjama. However, it was not like Charlie's overall but consisted of only a short pair of pants and a fairly tight top.

"Dorothy, this is Dean," Charlie introduced.

"Hi Dean, are you not going to bed again, honey?" Dorothy asked.

"In a few minutes, I have to take care of some love drama here."

When Dorothy left, Dean could not control himself and said:

"You're fucking Captain America, I'm impressed."

"Yes, she is hot, is not she?" Charlie blushed.

Dean grinned.

"But back to your problem," Charlie said.

"Leave Cas alone, even if it's hard for you, I'll talk to Meg, she knows him for the longest time, I think he'll trust her."


	15. Hold The Line (Toto)

Dean kept his promise. He left Cas alone. Castiel didn’t know if he should be happy about it or not. To be honest, he missed his former partner more and more every day. When the doorbell rang Cas hoped for a brief moment that it might be Dean, but when he opened the door it was Meg. He knew he shouldn’t feel disappointed but he definitely was.  For almost a week, she came to visit him daily to answer all his questions. Slowly the puzzle of his life got together. However, it still felt strange.   
Sometimes there were moments when he remembered something. Mostly these moments were very fleeting. It was a sound or a smell and there was a flash of a memory, but it never lasted long enough to put a finger on it. Sometimes he had the feeling that there was only a little piece missing and the whole puzzle would be put together. But even if he tried hard he didn’t succeed.

"Hey, Clarence! How are you today? Any new memories?” Meg greeted him.

“Hello, Meg. No! There are no new memories.”

“I have something for you. Charlie sent it to me so I can show it to you, "Meg said.

She searched for a picture on her phone. The image showed Dean and him kissing. They were both dressed up. Supposedly, Charlie was responsible for the costumes. Cas closed his eyes. He didn't remember. Although he felt a familiar warmth somewhere inside of him, that had nothing to do with his memories.

" What would you think about visiting your workplace?" Meg suggested.

Cas shrugged indecisively. Of course, it made sense to try everything and maybe it would work. The doctors said he should leave no stone unturned. However, there was a big chance to meet Dean and he didn’t know if he was ready to see him again. Nevertheless, he agreed. Meg informed Charlie and they drove off immediately.  


The Police Department itself was not familiar to Cas. Inside the building, they were greeted by Crowley, Charlie, Kevin and Donna. Dean was not there. Surprised, Cas realized that he was disappointed.

At first, he didn’t notice anything special, but when everyone looked at him expectantly, he noticed that he had automatically found the way to his desk. He remembered the little figures he always got from Charlie as soon as a case was solved. And he remembered that he always got two figures. Two characters from a movie or a tv show which Charlie shipped.

Suddenly his eyes fell on a figure he was sure was new. He picked it up to take a closer look. He didn’t know where his knowledge came from, but he was sure it was the figure of the Penguin. And he knew the figure that belonged to it. The Riddler. He placed both side by side. Everyone had watched him while holding their breath. Wow, he remembered some show characters but he didn’t remember Dean Winchester.

"Are these new?" He asked Charlie.

"Yes, they are for the last case," she answered smiling.

The large glass door opened with a sweep and Dean stepped into the room. Followed by an attractive dark-haired woman.

"What's going on here?" he asked,

Then he recognized Cas and his green eyes widened with astonishment.

"Cas!"

"Hi, Dean!" Castiel's gaze turned to the woman behind him.

Dean turned to her too.

"Cas, this is Lisa, my ... my current partner. Lisa, that's Cas. "

Castiel shook Lisa's hand, sensing that Dean was uncomfortable with the situation. But he also noticed something else - jealousy pierced his gut like a sting. And he knew that feeling was not new to him.

On their way home, Cas was very silent. With his eyes closed, he sat next to Meg and tried to arrange the experiences and feelings of the day.

"May I ask you something, Cas?" Meg interrupted the silence.

Cas opened his eyes and looked at her questioningly.

"I know you can’t remember how much you were in love with Dean Winchester back in high school. You can’t even remember how you almost went crazy when Crowley told you he should become your new partner. When he finally fell in love with you, even though you never expected it, you could hardly believe it. All this is buried somewhere deep in your brain. Maybe forever, maybe not. Nevertheless, today I noticed that you have feelings for him. Whether you still love him, or you fell in love with him again, it doesn’t matter. With or without memory, Clarence, you are in love with Dean Winchester!”

Cas looked at his hands. He didn’t reply. He knew she was right.

“That's why I do not understand why you keep him at a distance. And now please don’t tell me the story that he didn’t tell you the truth. That's bullshit and you know it. He almost went crazy when you were at the hospital. Every day he drove to Jefferson City after work. You must be aware that he just didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to push you. He wanted to give you time, Cas. "

"Cas, damn say something."

"What do you want to hear?"

"I want to hear that you will do something before this Lisa snatches him. Did you see her looks? Cas, please promise me. I don’t want to see you suffering because of Dean Winchester for ten more years. Please!"

"Was it really that bad with me?" Cas asked softly.

"Was it bad?" She snorted.

"It was the worst part of your high school days, you didn’t talk much about it, but I saw how much it hurt you to see that he never noticed you. Later it got better, but every time you heard something about Dean Winchester or just someone from his family, then it all started again, Cas, you had two long relationships, and you quit both because they were not Dean Winchester. "

"I am sure I never said that I broke up because of Dean," Cas whispered, his eyes lowered.

"No, you haven’t. But does that change anything about the facts? "Meg wanted to know.

"Okay, I know you can’t remember all this. But please answer one question. Be honest. What would you feel if Dean got together with this Lisa? Imagine they marry and have children."

The idea that Dean could marry Lisa, or anyone else, caused Cas nausea. Even though his memories were gone, the feelings for Dean had apparently remained.


	16. Don't Dream It's Over (Crowded House)

It had been nine days since Dean met Cas and Meg at the Police Department. Over time it got harder and harder to listen to Charlie's advice and give the other man time. More than once he grabbed his cell phone, wanting to ask Castiel if they could hang out together. Watch Harry Potter or Star Wars and order some pizza. But he hadn't done it yet.

Tonight was Crowley's birthday party. According to Charlie, he had a huge party every year. Dean knew that there wasn't a big chance of seeing Cas there. His former partner could not remember Crowley. So why should he come to his celebration? Nevertheless, the hope didn't want to disappear. Maybe that was the reason why he made a special effort with his appearance. So he chose black tight jeans and a white shirt. When he was done, it was already a quarter to seven. He was in a hurry because he had promised to pick up Lisa at seven and take her to the party.

Just in time, he rang the doorbell on Lisa's front door. Ben her little son opened.

"Mom, your date is here!" He yelled into the house. What? No! This was definitely not a date! Dean was about to answer, but at that moment a young girl appeared behind Dean.

Dean guessed that the girl with the blond short hair was the babysitter.

"Hey, Ben. I'm sorry I'm late. "She greeted Lisa's son and slipped past Dean.

"Hi, you have to be Mrs Breaden's date. I'm Kate. "Kindly, she held out her hand to him.

"Ahem ..."

"Ah, Kate there you are, thank God! Dinner is in the fridge. There is also some cake left. Please make sure Ben is in bed by ten at the latest. I wish you a nice time. "  
She kissed Ben goodbye and beamed at Dean. He had to admit that she looked fantastic. Her black long hair shone silkily. She wore a short black dress and a leather jacket over it. A few months ago this would definitely have been a date.

"Hi, Dean. You look great. "She greeted him and kissed him on the cheek.

"I can only return the compliment, Lisa. Are you ready to go? "

About half an hour later, they arrived at the Police Department. The party was already in progress when he entered the large decorated dining room with Lisa.

Charlie choked on a sip of champagne when she saw them together and hurried towards Dean.

"Dean! Nice that you are finally here. Hi Lisa. Please excuse me. I just want to borrow Dean for a minute. I need to talk to him. "

Without waiting for Lisa's reply she pulled him into a quieter side of the room.

"Dean! Please, please tell me that you are not together with Lisa. "She looked at him almost reproachfully.

"What? No! Why does everyone think that I have a date with Lisa? Her car is broken and I have offered to take her with me. That's all. Charlie, you know that I ... "

"I know," she answered softly and kind of relieved.

"I just hope Cas doesn't think the same when he sees you two together."

"Cas is here?"

"Yes, he is."

Dean's heart started to beat faster. Cas was here!

"Uh, you really got it bad. Come on Casanova. Let's go."

Dean went in search of Crowley to congratulate him and found him at the buffet.

"Hey, boss. Congratulations and thank you for the invitation. "

"Hello, Winchester! You're welcome! I hope you enjoy the evening. After what happened last month, you deserve some amusement. "

Encouraging, Crowley patted him on the shoulders.

Dean ordered a beer at the bar and scanned the room. After a while, he saw Cas talking to a blond man at the other end of the room. The two seemed to have a good time and Dean noticed the uneasy feeling that was spreading in his chest. This feeling only intensified as he approached and saw that the man had a hand on Castiel's upper arm.

"Hey, Cas."

"Dean! Hello. Are you here on your own?"

"No, I came with Lisa," Dean replied.

Castiel's gaze became harder immediately.

"I understand. By the way, may I introduce? This is my ex-boyfriend. Balthazar. Not that I could remember, but apparently we were even engaged. "

Immediately Dean became aware of where the bad feeling came from. Balthazar wanted Cas back. Everything in his body language told Dean that he did.

"The famous Dean Winchester. I have to admit, I imagined you differently. Somehow more glorious. "

"Dean! Here you are. I've been looking for you everywhere. "Lisa locked their arms and smiled friendly.

"Hello, guys!", She said to Cas and Balthazar.

Balthazar laughed.

"Hello! Let me guess. You are Dean's new partner. Dean, Dean. I think you're even better than your reputation! "

Dean knew what he was hinting at. But before he could answer, Cas interfered.

"I think I need something to drink now. Would you come to the bar with me, Balthazar? "

"Of course. I would love to!" The blond man nodded.

"Dean, Lisa, I wish you a nice evening. See you."

With that, the two left him and Lisa.

"Did you know that the two wanted to marry? Donna just told me. Maybe your partner will fall in love with Balthazar again and this time they will make it to the wedding altar. Somehow that's cute, don't you think? "

Of course! Of fucking course, it would end like this. How else could it be? And probably it served him right too. How many times had he disappointed girls because he couldn't reciprocate their feelings? He hadn't even noticed Cas throughout his high school days. How could he even wish that he was entitled to happiness? Dean Winchester wasn't someone who deserved a happily ever after. Of course, Cas would fall in love with Balthazar and ... He wasn't able to develop this thought further. The idea of them together made him feel sick. He didn't want to look at them but he couldn't avert it. Just to see Balthazar brushing a strand of hair from Castiel's face. Deans eyes began to burn suspiciously and the knot in his chest grew bigger and bigger. Oh, God! He had to do something before he even made a fool of himself.

"Dean! Is everything ok? You look pale. "

"Yes," he lied. "Everything's all right. What do you think about dancing? "

Smiling, Lisa accepted the offer.

Dean tried to avoid looking at Cas and Balthazar as much as possible. Nevertheless, he witnessed that Balthazar stuck to Castiel's side all evening.

Dean called it a night much sooner than normal. Charlie offered to give Lisa a ride home, but Lisa insisted that she was tired, too. So they left Crowley's birthday party shortly after eleven o'clock.

When he parked the Impala in front of her house, she cleared her throat.

"Don't I get a good night kiss after our first date?" She wanted to know.

Dean was shocked.

"Date? Lisa, I'm sorry, but ... "

Dean just didn't understand at what point he made the mistake. She had told him that her car was in the garage and he had offered to give her a ride. When did this become a date? He simply didn't understand it.

"Oh! That was not a date. Oh god, how embarrassing. "

"Lisa, I'm so sorry. I swear at another time ... "

"Just leave it be Dean. It's OK. May I ask you who she is? "

Dean did not answer and looked at his fingers.

"Lisa, I ..."

"Oh my God! I'm so stupid! It's Castiel, right? And I keep talking about his reunion with Balthazar. I am so sorry."

"I'm sorry too. You're okay, Lisa. "

Lisa hugged him.

"Hey! It's just as possible that he doesn't fall in love with Balthazar, you know. "

Dean wasn't able to stifle a joyless laugh.

"Yeah, sure. Everything is possible, isn't it?"  
But of course, he knew better.


	17. Love Comes Quickly (Pet Shop Boys)

It wasn’t even midnight when he arrived at home. Totally exhausted, he plopped down on the couch with a beer in his hand and flipped through the TV channels. But of course, he didn’t manage to not think about Cas and this blond British guy for two minutes. Just as he decided to call Charlie his phone vibrated. A message from Charlie. That was almost telepathy.

Ch: WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU? I AM GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU ARE WITH LISA!!!  
D: WHAT? NO! I’M AT HOME. ALONE!!!!  
Ch: YOU KNOW THAT CAS THINKS YOU AND HER ARE TOGETHER?  
D: I DON’T THINK HE WOULD CARE!  
Ch: WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?  
D: BECAUSE HE WAS WITH HIS EX. DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY WERE ENGAGED? OF COURSE, HE WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM AGAIN.  
Ch: OMG. YOU ARE JEALOUS!  
D: NO!  
D: YES. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  
Ch: AWW. YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH CAS, DIDN’T YOU?  
D: …  
Ch: DEAN?  
D: DOESN’T MATTER ANY MORE, I GUESS.  
Ch: OH IT DOES, TRUST ME. YOU’LL SEE SOON.  
D: I THINK I AM GOING TO SLEEP NOW. GOOD NIGHT CHARLIE.  
Ch: NIGHT, DEAN!

Dean put the phone down on the table and ran a hand over his face. With a deep sigh, he decided to go to sleep and turned off the TV.  
After taking a shower and brushing his teeth, he fell into bed, but although he was actually tired, he couldn’t sleep at first. Again and again, all the events of the last weeks were spinning around his head like a movie. The time he fell in love with Cas, the kiss, the terrible accident and all the horrible things that happened afterwards.  
At some point, Dean must have fallen asleep, because when he woke up by a thunderstorm, it was already past three o'clock in the morning. It was raining cats and dogs outside and the wind blew against the windows. Or was it a knock?

Tired, Dean got out of bed and walked to the door. Indeed. Someone knocked on his door. Who on earth was knocking on his door at this time? He looked through the peephole. When he realized who was standing outside his door his heart started to beat like crazy.  
CAS!

It was Cas! Dripping wet, he stood in the stairwell. Dean tore the door open.

  
"Cas, what do you want here in the middle of the night? Is everything ok? Can you ... Can you ...? "Hope grew in Dean.

  
"No, I can’t remember anything. Unfortunately. But right now that's not important, "Cas said.

  
Even before Dean understood what was happening, Cas pushed him back into the apartment and closed the door behind him. Dean let his gaze wander over the wet figure in front of him. His former partner must have come here by food in the rain. His white shirt was sticking to his chest, his wet hair standing in all directions and his eyes almost black. Dean swallowed.

  
"Cas, you are dripping wet. You should..."

He didn’t get any further. Castiel closed the gap between them took his face in both hands and kissed him. Gently, almost timidly, Cas’ lips explored his own. Dean hardly dared to breathe.  
After a while, Cas deepened the kiss. Finally, Dean managed to break away from his rigidity and with a low moan, he began to return the kiss. Oh God! How long had he dreamed of this? But Dean knew that they should talk. A few hours ago he was thinking Cas would come together with Balthazar again and now they were kissing.  
But when his hands were wandering under Cas's shirt and stroked the smooth warm skin he decided that there would be enough time to talk later.  
For a brief moment, Dean let go of Castiel's lips to pull the wet t-shirt over his head.  
Impatiently, their lips found each other again. The kiss became more and more passionate, their breath more erratic.

  
"Bedroom ...", Cas muttered.  
Without even letting the other man go for a moment

, Dean pushed him into his bedroom.  
There they got rid of the rest of their clothes.

Raindrops from Castiel’s wet hair fell down on Dean’s cheeks when they pressed their lips together with passion.  
All of a sudden, Dean was assailed by a doubt. Not that he didn’t want Cas. No, that was out of the question. But although Dean was certainly not a saint, he had never been intimate with a man before. Of course, he knew how it worked in theory, but he lacked any practice. Cas seemed to sense that something was wrong.

  
"Is everything alright, Dean? Excuse me if ... maybe you do not want this. Charlie showed me the chat and I thought ... " Dean saw the panic in Castiel's eyes.

  
"No no. Oh God! You have no idea how much I want this, "Dean replied quickly.

  
Cas seemed to relax again.  
"What is it then?" He wanted to know when he gently stroke Dean's cheek with his thumb.

  
"I ... I have never ... so… of course I already had sex but ... only with women."

Castiel leaned their foreheads together.  
"I am sure I had sex with men, but I can’t remember it. So technically we both don’t know exactly what we are doing here. "  
Dean laughed relieved.

  
"Yes, that's true. So I'm not going to make a fool of myself.”

  
"You won’t. I promise.“

Cas smashed their lips together and ground his hips towards Dean’s. Obviously, he thought that this was enough talking.  
Dean moaned when he felt the other man’s hard member pressed against his own.

  
“Fuck Cas. This is so different to everything I’ve ever experienced… but Jesus, I love it.”

  
Castiel's hands were everywhere now. They stroke Deans chest, his stomach and finally they found their way down to Deans crotch. Dean arched into the touch. Cas was panting hard now. Without a warning he let up on his lips and went down to his cock, swallowing down the head.

“Cas!” Dean cried in ecstasy.

Encouraged by the other man’s moans Castiel sucked even harder while he caressed his balls with one hand. With the other hand, he was stroking himself. The image was unbelievably hot. Deans legs were trembling with the effort not to come too soon.

  
“Cas…Cas …I need… I want…I want to go all the way. Please… I…”

  
Cas stopped his movements.

  
“What do you mean?” He asked.

  
“I want… I want you to fuck me.” Dean had never thought he would ask another man to fuck him, but now it was the only thing he wanted. He needed this man to be inside of him.

  
“Lube! We need lube. And condoms…” Castiel said breathlessly.

Of course lube!

  
“Condoms are in the nightstand. I think there might be lube in the bathroom. I am right back.”

  
He headed to the bathroom as fast as possible. And thank god he found a bottle of lube quickly.  
When he came back Cas was lying in the middle of the bed stroking his hard cock.  
Jesus fucking Christ! The sight was breathtaking.

“Fuck, you are so beautiful,” Dean whispered while he crawled onto the bed.

Cas grabbed Dean’s shoulders and pushed him onto his back, straddling his tights, leaning down for a deep kiss. Dean heard the klick of the lube bottle and felt a finger gently rubbing around the rim of his whole. Then he pressed one finger to the entrance and Dean felt it slowly slipping inside. It was like nothing he had experienced ever before but he had to admit that he liked it. Cas let the finger thrust in and out while he started to kiss his cock again. It was overwhelming. After a short time, Castiel added a second finger. There was a little burn at first but it vanished soon and oh God it felt so good. When Cas pulled in a third finger Dean was already panting hard. The dark-haired man had managed to hit his prostate a several times.

  
“This feels so good. Please don’t stop!” Dean begged.

But after a while, Cas put away his fingers to put on a condom and add some lube.

  
“Do you want me on my hands and knees?” Dean asked but Cas shook his head in negation.

  
“No! I want to see your face.” He answered and Dean couldn’t agree more.

  
Careful Cas placed a pillow under Deans but and lined up his cock to the blond man’s entrance.  
Then he pushed in very slowly until his cock was completely buried inside. Dean gasped. Being filled like this hurt a little but the pain wasn’t unwelcome.

“Cas! Oh God! Move!”

  
Cas started slowly to let Dean adjust to the new feeling. But soon he was lost in the sensation of being inside of Dean and seeing the other man falling apart. So he increased his speed and slammed in and out. When he changed the angle he hit Deans prostate for the first time.

  
“Fuuck! Right there. Oh, God!” Dean cried.

It was almost too much but it felt so good. Dean felt the familiar pulling in his stomaches and his toes started to curl. He knew he wouldn’t last much longer and one look at Cas’ face told him the other man was not far behind.  
When he fell over the edge Dean arched his back, his head falling back into the pillow.

“Ahh, Cas..!”  
At the very sight of Dean and his whole clenching around his dick, Cas came hard too.  
It took a while until they caught their breaths.

  
“Wow, this was amazing,” Dean stated while he curled himself around Cas.

He never was someone who liked to cuddle after sex but this time he needed to feel Cas in his arms. He needed to know the other man was close.  
Cas smiled happily.

  
“Yes, it was. Not that I would remember but I am sure this was the best sex of my life.”

  
Dean smiled and kissed Cas’ cheek, then he put the comforter over their tired bodies and snuggled even closer to the other man. Like this, they fell asleep.


	18. You Shook Me All Night Long (ACDC)

Bright sunlight blinked through the gap between the curtains as Dean woke up. Nothing was left of the stormy night. When Dean looked around, he found that the other half of the bed was empty. Of course! The storm and Castiel's visit must have been a dream. He could remember that he wasn’t able to fall asleep at first. At some point, it seemed that he was at successful and fell asleep. The rest must have happened only in his imagination. Fuck! It had felt so damned real. But of course, he had to admit that it was unlikely that Cas would suddenly be at his door and they would have sex without further talking. Dean couldn’t think of a universe where such things happened. Well, of course, everything had been a dream beautiful, but it wasn't real.

With a deep sigh, Dean sat up. But when he swung his legs out of bed two things struck him. First, his boxer shorts lay on the floor in front of the bed. When did he take them off and why? He always slept in boxer shorts and a t-shirt. And second, he felt a light and completely unfamiliar burning in a certain body area. What the…?  
So this hadn’t been just a dream.  
But when he managed to process these thoughts, another disappointment was spreading in his mind. So Cas had just slipped away like that after their night together. That didn’t make any sense at all. Annoyed, he ran a hand through his hair. He needed a cup of coffee first before he could continue thinking about the whole thing.  
He got up and slipped into his boxer shorts and a new T-shirt. The old one was missing, but Dean wasn’t in the mood to search for it. Even if he was sure he was wearing his old grey ACDC t-shirt at bedtime yesterday. His brain had decided not to start working yet. Tired, he went into the kitchen to make some coffee. But he remained completely surprised in the door frame and stared at the person who sat there at the kitchen table. Castiel had spread the newspaper on the kitchen table, a cup of steaming coffee in front of him.

The shadow of his beard and the wild dishevelled hair made him look even more attractive, as he sat there calmly reading the newspaper.  
Dean's heart jumped in delight when he realized that Cas was wearing his ACDC t-shirt.

"Good morning," Cas received him with a beaming smile.

  
"Good morning," Dean replied almost a little shy.

Dean had to think about last night and couldn’t stop himself from blushing.

  
"Actually, I wanted to make you breakfast, but unfortunately I don’t remember how to make scrambled eggs with bacon. Coffee is ready if you want a cup," Cas said with a wink.  
Dean could only stare at him.

  
“Is everything all right? Do you want me to go?”

Dean could hear the fear in Cas's voice before he saw it in his eyes as well.

  
"No no! Please stay. It's just ... when I awoke, I thought it was just a dream. It is ... everything feels somehow unreal. Don’t get me wrong. Last night… this was the most amazing sex in my whole life but it was at least… unexpected. Yesterday at Crowley’s party I thought you would get together with your ex-fiancé again...“

When he said the last words Dean didn’t dare to look Cas in the eyes. The thought of Cas and the British guy together still hurt.

When he looked up again, Cas was standing in front of him.  
He cupped Dean’s cheeks with his hands.

  
“I know and I am so sorry. Everything went wrong and it’s my fault.“

  
Dean wanted to protest but Cas hushed him gentle.

"When I found out that there was more between us and you didn’t tell me, I somehow felt betrayed. It’s not easy to trust people when you have lost your memory... "

  
„Cas, I am so so sorry. I didn’t mean to…“ Dean interrupted.

  
Castiel put a finger over the other man‘s mouth.

  
„Shh…! Please let me explain. After one day without you I realized that I miss you and if I would have been honest with myself I would have admitted that I already fell for you again. But I knew it for sure when I saw you with your new partner Lisa the day I and Meg visited the police office. Oh God, Dean, I was so jealous and scared. I knew she wanted you and she is so beautiful. How could you not want her?”

„Cas, of course, Lisa is beautiful. And I think in another life this would have fit. But she… she isn’t you…I…“

  
Dean wasn’t able to finish the sentence because Cas was smashing their lips together in a brief kiss. Before it could get too deep he pulled back and smiled at Dean.

  
“I wanted to talk to you at the birthday party but I thought you and Lisa were a thing now. So I drank too much and tried to make you jealous.” Cas confessed.

  
“You did a really good job, Cas. I really was. Jealous I mean.” Dean whispered. It never came easily to him to talk about feelings.

  
“Balthazar tried to get me back. He thought we could have another chance now that I lost my memory. His exact words were: We could give this a real try now that Dean doesn’t cloud your mind anymore.”

  
A little laugh escaped Cas’ throat.

“But he realized very soon that you are clouding my mind again… or still. I don’t know if there was a time when I had no feelings for you. Maybe the first thirty seconds when I met you at the hospital after the accident.”

  
Dean felt the burning in his eyes and he knew how pathetic it was to cry in front of Cas. But there was no way to hold them back at the moment. When he looked at the other man he recognized that there were tears in his eyes too. Dean whipped them away with his thumbs and kissed Cas with all the love he was feeling.  
After a short while, they separated. There were still questions on Deans mind.

“But I don’t get why you came here last night. I am grateful you did, but it was three o’clock in the morning. Not the usual time for visits.”

  
Cas laughed. His hands were resting on Deans shoulders now.

  
“Yeah, you are right. I was really down when you left with Lisa. Of course, I thought that you and her … that you were going home together and…”

  
Dean put a hand on Cas chest. He could feel the other man’s heart race at the memory.

“So I called Meg...” Cas continued.

  
“…She stayed at my apartment and tried to calm me down. After a while, she was getting angry. She said that she wasn’t going to bear another twenty years of my whining. So she called Charlie. I think it was around two am and I am still surprised that the girl was still awake, but she was. And she wasn’t even angry that Meg called her at this uncivilized hour. She reassured Meg that you were feeling the same for me like I feel for you, that you were jealous like I was. But of course, I didn’t believe her. Therefore she sent me a screenshot of your conversation and Meg forced me to get things clear between us immediately. So I came here to talk, even if it was in the middle of the night. I wasn’t able to … to wait until the next morning. I really just wanted to talk, but then you opened the door in nothing more than a t-shirt and your boxers and I…I just wanted to kiss you … and one thing led to another and you were so on board with all the kissing and touching. So I wasn’t able to stop…”

  
Dean pulled Cas closer and put his arms around his neck. Their faces were so close, he was able to feel Cas’ breath on his chin.

“So you really fell for me again at our first meeting at the hospital?” Dean asked shy.

  
“Yes,” Cas whispered.

  
„And this British guy never had a chance?“

  
„Balthazar? No, he never had.“

  
„Good!“ Dean smiled and kissed Cas tenderly.

  
"You really forgot how to cook? Then it's good that you have me now." Dean wanted to know.

Cas gave Dean a quick kiss on the mouth.

  
"Yeah, it's really good that I have you now," he answered seriously.

  
"However, if you don’t stop looking at me that way there will be no breakfast" Dean replied huskily.

  
Cas chuckled, but sat down bravely at the kitchen table and devoted himself to his newspaper.  
Humming happily, Dean prepared breakfast. He fried the bacon and put the eggs in the pan. Twenty minutes later, they were having breakfast together.

  
"Mmmm…, I could really get used to it Dean," Cas said, closing his eyes and moaning with relish.

  
Dean had to swallow.

  
"Me too ...", he answered not thinking about the food.

  
Dean was a bit confused about his actions towards Cas. He remembered well how he had always made fun of Sam if he wasn’t able to keep his hands off Ruby for two seconds. Now he knew. He managed it for about five minutes, but not long enough to finish the breakfast in peace.


	19. You Really Got Me (The Kinks)

The unpleasant thing about amnesia was not just that it came without warning, but that it also just could suddenly disappear again.  
It was a beautiful Saturday in May that Sam had chosen for his wedding. The sun shone brightly through the kitchen window and Dean knew it would be a perfect day. He and Cas who would accompany him to the wedding had dressed up. He had to admit that they both looked very good in their black suits. It was the first time he and Cas appeared in public as a couple, and Dean was nervous. Of course, his family knew. What was interesting was that only Bobby had been really surprised.

Although Dean actually thought that they had left early enough, they arrived just in time in front of the Memorial Church. The parking lot in front of the church was already quite full and Dean was concerned that he would still find a free space. Of course, he could drive few streets away to park his baby, but then they were in danger of being late. So he turned over the parking lot and suddenly he saw a vacant gap further back. He drove toward it, but at the last moment, a car came from the other side and roared into the free space.  
What the…!  
Upset Dean hit the wheel with his flat hand.

  
"Idiot!" He hissed.

Two young women got out of the car and strolled happily laughing towards the church entrance. Dean was so busy looking for a new parking spot that he didn’t even notice that Cas was curling up. But when he heard him groan in pain, he hit the brakes.

  
"Cas, you all right, baby?" He asked anxiously.

  
No Answer.

  
"CAS"

  
Cas sat bent forward, rocking slightly back and forth while he massaged his temples with his fingers. Careful Dean touched his shoulders.

  
"Please Cas, say something. Should I get a doctor? "

Cas heard Dean, but he was too busy taming the flood of memories that flashed in his head all at the same time. When the stinging pain in Cas's head finally subsided, nausea came. Castiel opened a car window to let in fresh air. After that, it got better.  
Only now he noticed Dean's worried voice.

  
"Please Cas, talk to me. I am going crazy here. "

  
"Everything alright, Dean. My ... my memories are back. I think I need another minute. Just go in there. I'll be right back. "

  
Oh my God! Cas could remember everything again.

"I'm not leaving you alone now. Don’t even think about it, "Dean contradicted.

  
"And what about Sam? Your brother wants to marry today. Everyone will be waiting for the best man, " Castiel said weakly.

  
"Sam will hopefully also have a happy marriage if it starts ten minutes later," Dean replied undeterred.

  
Dean quickly wrote a message to Sam with his mobile phone. Then he looked for a parking lot on a side street.

  
"You really can remember everything again?" Dean wanted to know after a while.

  
"Yes, it's all back," Cas answered calmly.

  
"And do your memories… do they change anything ...between us ?" Cas heard the uncertainty in Dean's voice.

  
"Well, that depends." Lovingly, Castiel smiled at Dean.

  
"I knew that you were the most important person in my life, but now I have the certainty that it has been like this since I first saw you back in high school."

  
Dean let out the breath he was holding in relief. Happily, he kissed Cas.

"Do you have any idea why your memories came back now?" Dean asked after breaking the kiss.

  
"I think it was because of the parking space. A kind of Deja Vu experience. It has to do with how I first met you. You snatched the parking spot from Luce on the school parking lot. "

  
"Oh my God! I can remember that. It was Sammy’s and my first day at school. Your brother was really angry." Dean laughed, but soon he became serious again.

  
"I can’t believe I never noticed you. How could I miss someone like you, Cas? "

  
"I don’t know. But to be honest, it doesn’t matter anymore. The important thing is that you notice me now. "

  
For the hundredth time, Dean wondered how he had ever deserved somebody like Cas.  
He leaned forward and kissed him, running his fingers through the other man’s hair.

"As much as I like to continue this, but now we should really go in," Cas said after a few moments, breaking their kiss gentle.

  
Although they were nearly fifteen minutes late, there had been no panic at the church. They were waiting in patience. The ceremony was like a fairytale. Dean handed over the rings and then the whole party headed to the estate of Ruby's parents where the party took place. Dean delivered a short and emotional speech for his little brother almost crying himself. Then the wedding cake was cut, everyone was dancing, laughing and talking. Everything was perfect, just as Sam deserved.  
Dean stood next to Ellen and watched as Castiel talked to Bobby and Jo. It made him happy to see how well Castiel got along with his family. Nobody seemed to have a problem with their relationship.

  
"Boy, you don’t know how long I've been waiting for you to look at someone like you look at Cas. To be honest, I almost gave up hope," Ellen said after a while.

  
Dean smiled gratefully at his foster mother.

Later in the evening, everyone became more exuberant. Dean was talking to Cas when someone tapped him on the back.

"Dean Winchester. If I got that right, you're here without a female companion. Would you like to dance with me?”

  
It was Nelly. Dean couldn’t remember her last name but she was one of Ruby's bridesmaids. She was beautiful with her long brown hair and the inviting smile.

  
"Hello, Nelly. Sorry, I have to decline your offer, but I am not into dancing. I didn’t even dance with my boyfriend yet." Dean took Castiel's hand, raising it to his mouth, kissing his knuckles.

  
"Oh!" Nelly exclaimed, her eyes widening in surprise.

  
„You have a… boyfriend? That is … surprising.“ She stuttered.

„Yeah, it is, surprising and amazing!“ Dean replied.

With his free hand, he cupped Castiel's cheek and gave him a brief peck on his mouth.  
Dean didn’t let go of Cas‘ hand even after Nelly was long gone.  
Cas looked at him in awe. Boyfriend! It was hard to believe that Dean Winchester was his boyfriend after all this time.

"You know, you're stealing the show from us. Even Bobby said you two look even more in love than Ruby and me. And we are the bridal couple. "

Sam had stepped behind them and put a hand on both of their shoulders, looking down at his brother and Cas with amusement.

"Sorry Sammy," Dean finally answered. "But I don’t think I can ever turn that off again"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG! I can't believe I finally finished this! I thank you so much for reading it. You are awesome!!!


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